


Hatching The Egbert

by AlerionRosseau



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accelerationist Dirk Stirder, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Coming Out, DirkJohn Is Not End Game, Drug Use, Multi, Psychonaut Rose Lalonde, Seriously DirkJohn Is A Disaster, Slow Burn, The Lingering Shadows of the Homestuck Epilogues, The Ongoing Shadows of Homestuck 2, being gay, being gay and doing crime, doing crimes, the closet, trans girl john egbert, trans girl vriska serket
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-05-28 19:03:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19400437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlerionRosseau/pseuds/AlerionRosseau
Summary: In the wake of a coming out, John Egbert is faced with a series of long repressed feelings? Can context be found in the wake of a disastrously bad idea of a relationship and the return of a figure from John's past?





	1. None Gender Left Boy

John Egbert stands awkwardly beside a wall with a red solo cup. He looks at his iphone again, looking at the long texts that Roxy had sent out again for the millionth time. Why was he still looking at it? He had read it enough times already? And now he was at her...his...their coming out party, so you’d really think that the basic idea would have stuck. It wasn’t that it hadn’t, but something just...didn’t seem to click. 

TG: so umm

TG: this is gunna be real hard

TG: callie and i have been talkin, going into the paint with sum real big feelin jams

TG: like the biggest of feelins jams

TG: a reglur triathalone of emotion processin the likes of which has never been seen in any of our years on this planet.

TG: about like our place in the universe and ourselves and our little friend circle

TG: so imma just go out and say it

TG: i roxy lalonde am a trans man

TG: trans dude?

TG: non-binary?

TG: ok look i still don’t fully get it myself but like

TG: i am not a girl in the traditional sense and it kinda makes me feel weird so she/her pronouns are TOTALLY OUT

TG: let’s just say that I am none gender left boy

TG: actually u know what? that’s it that’s my gender now

TG: none gender left boy

TG: hold up im updating my facebook profile

TG: ok so that is updated hello to evrybody who came here bcause of that update how’s it going?

TG: so yeah. they/them or he/him pronouns please. 

TG: thats where i am at rn

TG: any questions??

After that there was a bunch of responses, all of them supportive. John had made one, something lame like “haha congratulations” which made him look like a damn idiot because everybody knew he was still holding out a torch for her, him? Fuck, John hoped he didn’t misgender the boy he was holding a candle for, wait girl? Damn this whole transitioning thing sounded really complicated. Maybe Roxy could explain it to him later? But would that make him sound like an asshole? He looked up from his phone. Roxy is having a conversation with Jake and Jane, Rose sitting beside him looking very concerned, occasionally saying something or other he couldn’t make out over the music. He looked away quickly, going back to his phone.

It wasn’t like there was anything else there to look over? It was all very straight forward. Roxy Lalonde is some flavour of guy now. That was all that needed to be said on the matter. He would be a real shitty friend if he were to back out of this with Roxy now, like they were even romantically involved to begin with, and from what little he knew Roxy seemed happier. He was certainly posting more on his facebook account, which was generally how John determined how people were doing these days. Oh god, did he remember to make his requisite amount of facebook posts today so nobody would think he’s depressed? Maybe he could take a selfie or something while he was here. Selfies were like, at least ten points in the not looking depressed on the internet game. Maybe a selfie with Roxy? Yeah, that would be sweet. 

Dave: yo

John jumps up from his phone. Dave is standing beside him, his own red solo cup in hand with Karkat standing awkwardly behind him. 

Dave: nice to see you out bro

Dave: was beginning to worry about you. Your internet presence is like a monument to depression.

John: uuhhh

Dave: oh shit sorry scratch that

Dave: it’s good to see you though man

John: haha yeah. Is my face book that bad?

Dave: i mean…

Dave: …

Dave: hey karkat you have anything to say here?

Karkat: AND RUIN YOUR SUDDEN STATE OF SPEECHLESSNESS? FUCK NO. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE SEEN YOU LITERALLY UNABLE TO SPEAK IN A SITUATION?

Dave: dude we promised never to speak about that in public

John: it’s nice to see you two.

Dave: aww sweet a new conversation

Dave: so yeah roxy is a dude now

Dave: like in the masculine sense roxy was always a dude let’s be honest

Dave: wait is roxy masc?

John: uhh how do you mean dave?

Dave: like 

Dave: roxy has been pretty fluid on this whole gender transition thing

Dave: which is cool it’s his right as a human being

Dave: it’s just hard to keep up with?

Dave: damn i really hope i’m not sounding transphobic. My internet cred would be destroyed.

Karkat: OH GOD

Dave: i am like a trans male icon.

Karkat: NO YOU’RE NOT

Dave: man there are like so many trans guy memes about me on the tumblrs. I am like the madonna of trans guy memes.

John: What does madonna have to do with trans guy memes?

Dave: nothing, it’s like how gay dudes are like really into female celebrities like how judy garland is a gay icon.

Dave: gay guys love judy garland

Dave: at least gay guys of a certain generation i don’t see the appeal

Dave: like ok you go girl find your end of the rainbow and then shimmy your way back to fucking shit ass kansas when you could like hang with your sweet ass magical friends in munchkin land eat yourself a lollypop tree or whatever

Dave: but no you fuck on back to the sepia zone so you can star in like white christmas or whatever? Idk i have literally only seen the wizard of oz and to be honest i don’t remember it that well. Karkat made me watch it.

Karkat: WICKED WAS BETTER,

Dave: fuck yeah bro

Dave: ambiguous gayness is the bomb

John: haha yeah I’m sure you’d say that.

Dave: What?

Karkat: WHAT?

John: uuuuhh so yeah. You were talking about like Roxy being a trans man now?

Dave: yeah I don’t know if he is a full on

Dave: man

Dave: oh jesus I feel like dirk rn

Karkat: DAVE? DAVE DID YOU JUST SAY RN?

Dave: anyways there is like a lot of lines between being a man it’s not like this big 

Karkat: DAVE ACKNOWLEDGE ME. DID YOU JUST USE AN INTERNET ABBREVIATION OUTSIDE THE INTERNET?

Dave: fuck i was not expecting to get into this tonight i thought this would be all figured out like we were all on the same page.

Karkat: DAVE...OH FUCK DON'T YOU DARE BREAK OUT THE GENDERBREAD PERSON AGAIN?

Dave: oh shit let me break out the genderbread person.

Karkat: DAVE DO NOT BREAK OUT THE GENDERBREAD PERSON

But Dave does not listen, he breaks out the genderbread person. Or what seems to be a gender bread person to John, who just sees a little outline of a man (person? fuck), with a bunch of lines beside him. 

Dave: ok so like, you see this guy right here?

Karkat: OH FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A MUSCLEBEAST'S COCK

John: uhh...yeah.

Dave: cool this line right here is gender, what’s in your head you know

Dave: this is your heart it’s how you feel about people

Dave: and this is your crotch which is pretty self explanatory

John: how so?

Dave: dude its your crotch 

Dave: its your junk

John: oh yeah

Karkat: PLEASE GOD SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW

Dave: shut up man you were the one who showed me this. anyways as you can see here on the gender stuff there is a whole scale. so like for me im gonna put myself squarely on the man end of the spectrum. From what i know about roxy though they are kind of like, somewhere in this area not the middle but still on the masculine side.

Dave: none gender left boy

Dave: see i made that sign.

Dave pointed to an aluminum balloon in the corner of the room. It had “It’s A Boy” printed on it with a bit of duck tape with the suffix “ish” written in red marker over it. 

John: haha yeah that was pretty funny dave

Dave: thank you at least somebody appreciates my work

Dave: karkat

Karkat: OH LOOK AT ME I AM DAVE STRIDER AND I AM AN INTERNET CELEBRITY EVEN THOUGH VINE IS DEAD.

Dave: hey you know i am still mourning.

Dave: my tik toks are going real strong

Karkat: TIK TOK IS A BULLSHIT PLATFORM AND YOU KNOW IT

Dave: dude wtf are you doing ok?

Dave: sorry john i need to go take a knee with my roommate

John: roommate huh?

Dave: housemate whatever

And Dave walks Karkat away for them to discuss whatever bee had gotten into Karkat’s particular bonnet that evening. Man, it must have been rough. John wondered what it could be. It was fine, they’d figure it out. They could probably figure that part out at least.

He should really go talk to Roxy. It was their party after all and John felt he should at least say something. Something a bit...substantive at least. But what do you say in this situation? God, he needed to get a brief of fresh air. He got up and made his way out to the back porch of Roxy’s ranch house. At the very least it would change it up from the electroswing that was honestly starting to get under his skin a bit. He had no idea why it was getting under his skin and maybe it wasn’t the electroswing, maybe it was something else? But he couldn’t put his finger on what.

It was a beautiful night in the town of Star City. Which was probably one of the few things that was good at all about Star City, Nevada. For the most part it was just a shitty town with nowhere to go except maybe Reno if you were a gambler which John was not. So instead mostly he just hung out at home and played video games when he wasn’t working as a freelance programmer. But at the very least the nights were beautiful. It made him think back to when he was a kid and Dave would drag him and his friends out to the parties in the desert where they’d hook up some gear to a generator and play some live music. John wondered if he was as awkward at those parties as he was at this one.

Dirk: well look at this.

John turns around to see Dirk Strider leaning against a wall, all weird and moppy like he always is, always was. Again, another feature of those burner parties, though one that he couldn’t really say in all honesty he felt as nostalgic for. If there was one person who was more awkward at a gathering of people then John, it was Dave’s weird older brother. 

John: uhh hey Dirk. How’s it going?

Dirk: it’s going

John: So uhh yeah, Roxy is trans.

Dirk: yup

John: How do you feel about that? You and Roxy were pretty close right?

Dirk: I don’t really see the point of sharing my opinion on that. It hardly seems relevant.

John: cool. Cool.

Well damn, John thinks, that was literally the only thing he could think of that he could talk to Dirk about.

Dirk: what do you think about this?

John: huh?

Dirk: I mean what’s your opinion on all this? The memification of gender and all that?

John: I mean, if it makes them happy and all I’m totally down. 

John: I’m….can we keep this between us?

Dirk: I’m filled with secrets my man

Dirk: I’m like Laura fucking Palmer. Sometimes my arms bend back and everything.

John: Haha what?

Dirk: I”m on a David Lynch kick don’t at me.

Dirk: So what’s your hot take on none gender left boy in there?

John: I don’t know it’s just…

John: You ever think that there should be like, signs?

John: I mean, I don’t really know if I would be able to pick up on signs and all, it’s just that Roxy was….

John: always so girly

John: am I being a bad ally?

Dirk: Beats me. I’m apparently a bad ally myself.

John: What? Aren’t you like….gay?

John: And isn't Roxy your family.

Dirk: I just….

Dirk: Ok here is my hot take on gender.

Dirk: On the one hand, I get what dave is going on about. I will admit that gender is a hyperstitional object.

John: a what?

Dirk: a hyperstitional object.

John: …..

Dirk: a hyperstition is an idea that people believe in for so long that it becomes a reality.

John: So like a lie?

Dirk: No not like a lie. 

John: sounds like a lie dude.

Dirk: Not if everybody believes it.

John: o k sounds fake but o k

Dirk: So gender is a hyperstition that we have more or less created to maintain our society. It clearly sets out certain rules that we are expected to go with. So my question is how much do we want our current society to be preserved?

John: uhh, if it makes Roxy happy I don’t think it would like

John: hurt society?

John: are you holding?

Dirk: Of course. You want some?

John: sure.

John: but like, yeah we were talking about signs and stuff and like

John: I don’t know they always seemed so cool with being a girl.

John: It just bugs me that I didn’t see anything.

John leans against the wall and waits for Dirk to prepare the joint. He sips at the drink in his red solo cup and looks back and forth at the window and Dirk gently preparing the weed. As Dirk licks the paper together, John can make out some light bruises around Dirk’s left eye, hidden under his sunglasses.

John: What’s that?

Dirk: What’s what?

John: That under your eye?

Dirk: Oh that. It’s nothing.

John: It looks like a black eye?

Dirk: It is but it’s nothing.

John: Where did you get a black eye?

Dirk: Reno

John: How’d you get a black eye in Reno?

Dirk: First rule of fight club John.

John: Are you in a fight club Dirk?

Dirk: Of course I’m in a fight club John. Why wouldn’t I be in a fight club?

Dirk: First thing I did after watching David Fisher’s 1999 classic Fight Club was start up my own Fight Club because I was a highly closeted gay man. Which is only natural really?

John: What?

Dirk: Fight Club is about being gay.

John: What!?

Dirk: Fight Club is about a man who feels he cannot uphold a traditional concept of masculinity, so he comes up with a perfect concept of masculinity that he can live up to in the form of hollywood uber hunk Brad Pitt to be his alternate personality.

Dirk passes John the joint and flicks out a lighter like he had trained himself to do it. It's quick, precise, like he had trained himself this move for hours until he got it right. He has a nice smell, John thought, kind of like woodsmoke and garage smell? He suppressed that thought as he inhaled. 

John: Isn’t Fight Club about...I don’t know a bunch of guys beating each other up in basements and becoming terrorists and stuff?

Dirk: On a surface reading, yes. But all the conversation are based around the character’s failure to live up to a traditionally masculine image, as seen by his feeling at home with a bunch of guys with ball cancer. 

Dirk: Our lead played by Edward Norton, is a single bachelor with a strong interest in interior design. While we are lead to believe that there is something going on between him and Helena Bonham Carter’s character, but he is more annoyed by the prospect of feeling up her tits and dissasociates so hard when he has sex with her that he hands it over to his Brad Pitt personality, becomes a whole other different actor. 

Dirk: Honestly though, if it was me I’d probably disassociate into Brad Pitt as well. 

John passes Dirk the weed and watches as Dirk takes one smooth inhale. He looks pretty cool, which again brought John back to the days when they’d hang out in the desert as teens. This was before things went all down hill and they all became depressed twenty somethings. At least, until John became a depressed twenty something. John wondered if smoking weed was a good time or a bad time for Dirk to go into one of his rants, for either of them. Dirk passes the joint as he continues his directionless lecture.

Dirk: Anyways, as a critic and aficionado of the cinema, I will say that the love story between Edward Norton’s character and Brad Pitt’s character is significant. Brad Pitt is our societal ideal of manhood. He looks like we want to look, he fucks the way we want to fuck, he’s free in all the ways we are not.

John: Haha that’s from the movie.

Dirk: I know, thanks for the citation. 

Dirk: I’m also going to give some personal details here, but most of my hook-ups were like the scene where Brad Pitt tells Edward Norton to punch him as hard as he can. 

John: Haha, yeah. You would wouldn’t you?

Dirk: Punch hard? Yeah I would.

John shakes his head and passes Dirk the joint. He thinks about what he just said. It makes a sort of sense, John guesses. He hadn’t really seen Fight Club in awhile, but yeah he guessed it was a legitimate reading for what it was. Maybe he should watch Fight Club again? Was Fight Club on Netflix?

John: So you ever wish you were Brad Pitt?

Dirk takes the joint out of his lips and lets the smoke shoot out like some sort of sexy genie? The fuck Egbert, where did that come from?

Dirk: I mean…

Dirk: Damn Egbert, you are just pressing me with personal questions. Could give me the wrong idea.

John: Wrong idea what?

Dirk: That you are making a proposition.

John: huh?

Dirk: That you’re into me.

John: What? I mean...I’m not

Dirk: a homosexual. I’ve been at Dave’s place enough to hear Karkat bring up that little chestnut.

John: Haha yeah. God that was awkward.

John: I mean…I don’t know, I am just having feelings.

John: And Roxy is all a guy now. Or like….

Dirk: It makes you reconsider things?

John: It’s just

John: I’m not

John: not straight?

John: or gay?

John: I don’t know, fuck why am I telling you this? Are we even friends?

Dirk: I’m fond of you.

John: What?

Dirk continues to look at John, his face unreadable beneath the trifecta of his shades, the light from the house and Dirk’s impenetrable poker face. They are staring at each other, and for a moment John isn’t sure what is going on. Is he having gay feelings? God damn it Egbert this never works out, at least it wouldn’t if you didn’t repress them, but also...God damn it.

John: You’re fond of me?

Damn it Egbert.

Dirk: I don’t know. 

Dirk: Dave likes you.

Dirk: I mean…

Dirk leans back into the wall and sighs. John had never really thought that Dirk was “cool”, for the most part he just thought Dirk tried to hard to look all smart and edgy and shit which was actually kind of funny. But he couldn't say he actually "hated" Dirk, or even disliked him. Dirk was just Dave's weird older brother who made slightly unnerving jokes, was really into anime and was also really gay in a way that, up until a certain time in John's life, he didn't know it was capable for a human to be gay. Of course, now when he thought of a gay man he thought of Dirk Strider, but he had become something of an ally since all his friends were some form of LGBT.

Dirk: Dave thinks you are a cool guy. You’re good with Dave.

Dirk: Shit.

John: Are you….

John: Are you flirting with me?

Dirk: What no?

Dirk: I know my chances here.

John: I mean…

John: I am not not a homosexual.

Oh Jesus Christ, what are you even doing John. 

John: It would be pretty weird if we became a thing though.

Dirk: a total crack ship.

John: yeah really.

Dirk: Also there’s Dave to consider.

John: Yeah it would be really weird to date your best bro’s older bro

Dirk: Yeah that too.

John: Also…I don’t even know. Like...how did you know you were gay?

Dirk is silent for awhile. He bites his lip and makes a popping sound with his lips.

Dirk: I always sort of knew, I guess.

Dirk: Sorry to disappoint you Egbert, but I just never had that Road to Damascus moment where the scales fell from my eyes and I realized “Hey you know what, I really want to suck cock.”

Dirk takes the stub of the joint and flicks it into the desert. John watches as it disappears into the darkness and sage brush so it could be picked up by some jack rabbit in search of a high later in the night.

Dirk: it's just in my nature.

John shrugs. He doesn't know what to say. He feels like he may have lost the topic. Like...he was getting at something else and he got more lost in the strange bushes then that little bit of a joint Dirk just flicked away. 

John: I should say something to Roxy.

Dirk: Don't let me keep you.


	2. Vriska Un8ound

It’s relieving to be in a recuperacoon again, Vriska thinks. Prisons rarely bothered to update prisons with things suitable for the troll population. Probably another bit of punishment for having them on the planet, like they really wanted to put money into criminal trolls. It’s not that Vriska couldn’t handle open sleep, but given the choice she would choose the recuperacoon. Not that she would tell anyone that.

The recuperacoon, which was set up by Terezi a few days before Vriska was released, is not even that fancy. It’s the air mattress of recuperacoons. It barely even covers the vast majority of her body, but after living on the open, hardly defensible human slumber planks that she had to put up for two and a half years it felt like a relief. Best sleep she had in a long, long time.

Vriska slowly moves her body out of the slime and into the small enclave of Terezi’s apartment.It wasn’t like putting up a cloth wall or something would really stop Terezi from knowing what was going on anyways, so Vriska wasn’t embarrassed if the smell of her walking in her underwear came up to Terezi. They were moirails, shit happens. 

It was certainly Terezi’s place. Stuff was drawn on the walls with a variety of crayons, markers and high-lighters and shit, and it had that sort of familiar clutter and the odd patch of sticky saliva. Pinned on the walls were various pictures, a couple of them taken by Terezi during her brief period of dating Dave Strider, which consisted of a weird artistic collaborations. Most of the pictures were shit, Terezi just pressing buttons until she took pictures of whatever it was pointed at. Vriska looked over the various pieces. Blurry picture of Karkat screaming. Blurry picture of Tavros falling. Blurry picture of a side of Terezi’s face and Dave making some human hip-hop meme Vriska didn’t understand in another corner. Lots of blurry pictures of people’s asses. A disturbingly large amount of people’s asses given the supposedly random, found aspects of Terezi’s catalogue.

Vriska drifted to one of the more focused pictures. It was from one of the LARPs her and TZ used to go too. God those were fun times, Vriska thought. Both were dressed in their outfits, smiling into the camera that both were steadying onto. Vriska remembered that Terezi insisted she help her out on this one.

Past Terezi: 1 W4NT TH1S TO LOOK L1K3 4N 4CTU4L P1CTUR3

Why did she take this picture? Terezi had always been frustratingly vague on how exactly she perceived things since the Incident, so Vriska didn’t really know what she got out of this precisely. She wondered what it tasted like to Terezi? 

God. Had being in the slammer so long made her soft? Vriska sure as hell hoped not! She looked away as soon as Terezi walked in.

Terezi: MORN1NG SUNSH1N3

Vriska: Morning yourself

Terezi: SO HOW W4S YOUR F1RST N1GHT 4S 4 FR33 WOM4N?

Vriska: ugh, it was aaaaaaaawful.

Vriska: I had this good, spartan lifestyle going for me and then you ruin it with your weird 8read and 8reakfast you got me into. 

Vriska: I should move in with someone a bit more hardcore

Terezi: H3Y 4T L34ST 1 H4V3 4 JOB

Vriska: What? Since when????????

Terezi: 4LMOST 4S LONG 4S I’V3 B33N CL34N. 

Vriska: You were going to tell me this when?

Terezi: YOU N3VER 4SK3D!

Vriska: God I missed you.

Terezi: S4M3 TO YOU SP1D3RB1TCH

Vriska smiled slyly and began putting on her prostetic arm.

Vriska: Oh, and maybe you could lay off ragging on my lack of a job.

Vriska: If I were remember clearly, it was you who ratted me out.

Terezi: 4ND 1 4POLOG1ZED.

Vriska: yeah yeaaaaaaaah.

Vriska snapped on her prosthetic and trying to see if it still worked, as she always did. Yep, still functioning as it should. Maybe a little slow, she should go check Equius at the clinic to see if she could get it checked out. 

Vriska: I forgive you but I’m not gonna let you forget it.

Terezi: W3 C4N G3T 1NTO 34CHOTH3R’S COLL3CT1V3 OFF3NS3S T1LL TH3 M1LKB34STS COM3 INTO TH31R R3CP1T3BLOCKS

Terezi: BUT H3R TYR4NNY D3M4NDS SUBST4N3NC3

Terezi passes Vriska a plate of substagrub and sits down with her own, covered in a veritable rainbow of pencil shavings and salsa. Vriska, not wanting to go as far as Terezi, just takes a little bit of salsa and begins chewing on the grub substitute.

Vriska: you ever eat an actual gru8?

Terezi: ONC3 W1TH G4MZ33

Vriska: fuuuuuuuck

Terezi: NOT YOUR F4ULT. 1 W4S JUST CUR1OUS 4T TH3 T1M3 AND G4MZ33...W3LL H3 KN3W SOM3 P3OPL3.

Terezi: TH3Y S4Y W3 US3D TO 34T GRUBS 4LL TH3 T1M3 B4CK ON 4LT3RN1A.

Vriska chews the substagrub in her mouth, looking over the ingredients. It was always a toss up, with substagrub. 

Vriska: well, I’m sorry I 8rought up that asshole.

Vriska: hope that 8astard is two feet underground outside of Vegas somewhere.

Terezi: 4M3N.

Vriska: Praise Jegus, the clown is dead.

Terezi: KNOCK ON WOOD.

Terezi: 4ND 1F TH4T DOS3N’T WORK 1 H4PP3N TO KNOW 4N 3XP3R13NC3D CR1M1N4L M4ST3RM1ND.

Vriska: I mean, don’t get me wrong Pyrope. You tell me that somebo8y needs killing, I’ll do it.

Vriska: 8ut I wouldn’t call myself a mastermind!!!!!!!!

Terezi is smiling now. Not her usual smile, which was more a way of constantly advertising that she was faster than the vast majority of people you were likely to meet, so don’t try to get in her way, but a more, gentle, weaker smile. It was the sort of smile a human would make, the sort of smile that was infecting the immigrant troll population like a disease. Vriska knew because she was sick with it as well. Not that she would let anyone know. Well, almost nobody.

Terezi: W3’R3 GO1NG TO N33D TO T4LK

Terezi: 4BOUT….4 LOT OF TH1NGS.

Vriska: yeah.

Vriska: yeah I know.

Terezi: NOT KNOW, L1K3...TH3R3 1S 4 LOT TH4T W3 SHOULD T4LK 4BOUT.

Terezi: 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT WH4T W3 SHOULD T4LK 4BOUT 3V3R S1NC3 1 H34RD YOU W3R3 COM1NG HOM3 4ND 1 ST1LL DON’T KNOW 4LL 1 W4NT3D TO S4Y.

Terezi: 1 KNOW 1’M B31NG 4 B1T MOR3…

Terezi: OP3N 4BOUT TH1S, 4 B1T MOR3 HON3ST 3MOT1ON4LLY.

Terezi: BUT 1 W4NT…

Terezi: 1 W4NT…

She is silent, her tongue stopped by the sheer amount she wants to say but just can’t put into words. 

Vriska: uhhhhhhhh

Vriska: UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Terezi: VR1SK4 NO!

Vriska: no, it’s not you.

Vriska: it’s….

Jegus fucking Christ, Vriska thought. Sweet Sufferer, this was bound to happen.

Vriska: I meaaaaaaaan, I geeeeeeeet it.

Vriska: I want to talk a8out this to it’s just….

Vriska: are we going to 8ecome all sincere?

Vriska: I don’t want this to turn into a Dave and Karkat thing.

Terezi: OH MY GOD

Terezi: 4GR33D

Vriska: No circlejerks of emotional edging here.

Vriska: If we are going to do this. We are going to do this.

Terezi: 3X4CTL3Y MY THOUGHTS VR1SK4.

Vriska: none of this soft uwu 8oy shit.

Vriska: although again, I maintain that those two are adora8ble.

Terezi: NO ON3 IS 4RGU1NG TH4T.

Vriska: Have they finally put their money where their mouths are?

Terezi: WHO KNOWS?

Vriska: yeaaaaaaaah.

Terezi: SO…

Terezi: 1 KNOW YOU H4V3 SOM3 3RR4NDS TO DO. YOU PROB4BLY W4NT TO CH3CK ON SOM3 TH1NGS YOU N33D TO DO.

Terezi: HOW 4R3 YOU FOR HORMON3S?

Vriska: I got a prescription I need to pick up. I can handle it. 

Terezi: W3LL...W3 C4N T4LK L4T3R.

Terezi: 1 GU3SS 1 JUST W4NT3D TO S4Y….

Terezi: 1’M GL4D YOU 4R3 B4CK.

Vriska nodded. God damn it, Terezi. Making her feel things. Fucking bitch.

Vriska: I’m glad to 8e 8ack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. Published this a little too early. Just so excited for this fic.
> 
> "Vriska Un8ound" is a good title, I couldn't think of anything else to call this particular chapter. Expect me to use the hell out of this particular phrase.


	3. Lost Highway

John: hey

Roxy: john hi

It’s not that John doesn't want to say anything. It’s not that John wants to go home and lay in bed and watch Ghostbusters for the millionth time or maybe play his MMORPG with his elf druidess or whatever. He thinks about doing this. But he wants to talk with Roxy, he wants to tell him (Roxy is a him now) how he is just...how fucking amazing it is that he can even do this. How Roxy looks so great as a guy, and how John couldn’t even imagine…

Fuck it, John thinks, I needs to say something before I drift off again.

John: hey, sorry I haven’t said anything.

Roxy: nah it’s fine

Roxy: u said congratulations and all, which is like

Roxy: waaay more than what i have been getting here.

Roxy motions to Jane, who is having a very heated discussion with Dave and Karkat. From here, John can hear Karkat shouting out the occasional vantastic insults at Jane’s “COMPLETE AND UTTER DISGRACEFUL STUPIDITY.”

John: Oh jeez, what happened? 

Roxy: eh, janey is just a republican i guess.

Roxy: tbh i think they’re just discussing the economy now, but jane has been kind of...disappointing, u know?

John: Yeah I guess.

John: But yeah, I just…

John: I think this is great! You being a non-binary guy.

John: I don’t really get it, and I don’t want to like...bore you with stupid questions.

John: But it feels really cool, you know?

Roxy: john being non-binary and trans masc is the BEST

Roxy: it is hella baller.

Roxy: xcept like binders. Those are actually kinda annoyin.

Roxy: not to be tmi here, but it sucks to have this like, big heavy thing harshin my breathin’

Roxy: but also they hide my titties, which objectively totes fantastic, make me dysphoric and shit

John: Oh no, that’s a shame.

Roxy: yeah and then you have this fucker right here?

Calliope: hmmm?

Calliope: did yoU say something?

Roxy: i’m saying yr lucky cause cherubs don’t have titty.

Calliope: oh. i am qUite sorry. i was jUst getting a refill of candy.

Calliope passes Roxy and John a paper plate filled with a variety of candies. John takes a handful, not too much though. He was not feeling like getting too deep into candy. 

Roxy: aww u know I couldn’t be mad at u enby

Roxy: just tellin john about the less cool aspects of being a non-binary transmasc.

Roxy: like binders

Roxy: oh also my rights r all fucked up now, but i’m afab so like, no big change there really.

Calliope: UnfortUnatly.

John: yeah, it really sucks for girls.

John: and non-binary people too I suppose.

Roxy: but we were talkin’ about binding, which is like

Roxy: ok can we talk about how we live in the middle of a fuckin DESERT?

Roxy: and i am wearing just this whole extra layer?

Roxy: like again, not really a trans issue inherently, not like bathrooms n shit

Roxy: but i’m just standing outside being all, well here you are rox-lal, sweatin to the oldies debatin’ whether i want to sweat more ur feel shitty bout my body

John: wow. 

Roxy: oh yeah, sorry to like, bring up my bummers

Roxy: don’t get me wrong i feel AMAZING.

Calliope: it is relieving to have a way to express ones fUll identity

Calliope: as it is relieving to have someone else along for the joUrney

Roxy: aww ur too cute

Roxy: john aren’t they cute?

John feels a sense of hesitation. Yeah he’s kind of jealous of the fact Roxy and Calliope have this level of closeness, but also…

John: yeah calliope you are adorable

Calliope: ^u^

Calliope: thank yoU john

Calliope: yoU are also adorable

John: aww shucks Calliope

John: I don’t know, I just feel like there should be something more I should be saying here.

Roxy: aww u don’t need to say anything else.

Roxy: it’s just great knowin yr here and supportive

Roxy: come in here for a hug, ya big galoot

Roxy reaches her arms around John and gives him a big old hug. John hesitates for just one second before his reflexes kick in and he hugs Roxy back. He kind of feels….so incredibly happy for Roxy. But also confused on his end. If he is still holding out, like...maybe it isn’t to bad of a thing? Fuck, the gay feelings are coming back? Was this gay feelings or just like, risiduale straight feelings from the illusion of girl Roxy? John frowned, he was probably being a bad ally, he thought. But then again, he was having gay feelings for Dirk. Were they gay feelings? FUCK!

Roxy: hey john u ok?

John pulls out of his hug and puts a hand on the back of his head.

John: Yeah, yeah I’m fine.

John: I just guess....I’m kinda tired you know?

John: I think I’m going to head out.

Roxy: Aww john don’t go

Calliope: we woUld greatly miss yoU

John: I’m sorry, there is just...a lot of people here and I didn’t sleep well last night.

John: I should really go get some shut eye.

John: But…

Roxy: but?

John: Fuck, there is just….

John: There are so many questions I want to ask, but I’m afraid I’m going to ask something stupid.

John: like about surgery or something.

Roxy: why would you ask me bout surgery John?

John: I wouldn’t! I just know that is like, the last thing you are supposed to ask a trans person.

John: Like, anything about their bodies.

John: Which seems pretty obvious to me actually. Who wants to talk about their bodies?

John: But….just what is a good question to ask?

John: Roxy, are you ok?

Roxy is looking behind John’s shoulder, his eyes widening. John looks around to see Dirk, standing in the doorway and looking around.

Roxy: When did Dirk get here?

John: you didn’t know? I just talked with him?

John: Why, isn’t he invited?

Roxy: Well….he isn’t UNinvited.

Dirk: Hey Roxy. John. Calliope.

Calliope: dirk

There is a definite tension between Dirk and Calliope that John did not know, or expect. Calliope just stares daggers right at Dirk, their voice which was usually so sweet felt cold and harsh. If Dirk responded to that, he didn’t show it. For his part, Roxy seemed incredibly confused by Calliope’s responce.

Roxy: hey dirk. Nice to see you here.

Dirk: Thought I’d pay my respects to my best friend. See him off on his journey.

Dirk: I like the haircut by the way.

Roxy: thanks.

John: uuuh

Roxy: thanks john, but i think dirk and me need to have us a little talk between ourselves.

John: well, all right.

Dirk and Roxy look at each other and then they move outside. John looks around the room to see everyone is already looking at Dirk and Roxy, who have moved out of line of sight and out of range of hearing.

Dave: well fuck me sideways, this is something that can go one of two ways.

John: what is going on?

Dave: i don’t know it’s not like dirk expressly denied roxys gender identity like some people

Jane: I did not say I am against trans people. Roxy is a dear friend and is a trans person!

Dave: sounds like you’re pulling the “some of my best friends are trans” card there crocker.

Dave: not cool.

Jane: My BEST friend. And I never said that I don’t support trans people. I believe in free expression and that includes the right to be trans.

John: oh god Jane, please don’t.

Jane: What am I doing? What am I doing that is so offensive?

Dave: being a republican in this the year 2019 when it is basically fascism.

Rose: While I am all for calling out Jane’s politics as the xenophobic claptrap that it is, might we return to the more pressing matter of wild conjecture concerning the dialogue going on right outside that wall?

Jane: I am not a fascist.

Karkat: YOU STILL DON’T THINK GENDER FLUIDITY IS A THING!

Jane: It’s too complicated. You are all making this too complicated.

Karkat: YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED FEMALE? YOU KNOW HOW UNTIL WE GOT CONTROL OF OUR OWN REPRODUCTION YOU HUMANS WOULD JUST ASSIGN US “GENDERS” TO BETTER FIT YOUR ASSIMILATIONIST POLICIES!

Karkat: YOU BASICALLY INTRODUCED GENDER DYSPHORIA TO MY SPECIES. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INTRODUCING US TO AN ENTIRELY NEW WAY TO HATE OURSELVES, WHICH FOR SOME REASON I NEVER GOT BECAUSE MY NOOK WAS JUST SMALL ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED MALE BY YOUR ARBITRARY NOTIONS.

Jane: Well, that sounds more like a troll issue then a human issue.

John wasn’t having any of this. He taps Calliope on the shoulder.

John: hey, I’m tapping out.

John: sounds like the party is going to be over pretty quick.

Calliope: oh? Um, yes of coUrse.

Calliope: i’ll tell roxy that yoU said good-bye.

John: are you ok?

Calliope is silent. They look up at John for awhile, as if they want to say something, but won't.

Calliope: it is nothing john.

Calliope: thank yoU for coming oUt tonight.

John: it’s no problem

He gives Calliope a pat on the back and moves out while everybody argues about whether Jane is a fascist or not. John had already had these conversations with himself, and honestly he knew where he stood on the matter. Jane was getting some real fascist tendencies. He was surprised she didn’t say anything about unfriending her on facebook, them being kin and all, but honestly John was just done. John was done with her hateful bullshit and honestly he was surprised he didn’t flip out on her at the party.

As he got into his dad’s car, he saw Dirk walk out from behind the house. He ran over to him and waved, trying to catch him. John didn’t know why he stayed for him. But Dirk ended up leaning over.

Dirk: hey you leaving already?

John: yeah, things looked like they were going to turn into a political debate?

Dirk: where are you heading?

John shrugged.

John: I don’t know, I was probably going to drive around and head home.

Dirk: Can I come?

John thinks for awhile

John: Do you think Roxy being trans is good or bad for society?

Dirk: What?

John: It’s a simple yes or no answer Dirk.

Dirk: No it’s not.

John: Yes it is!

Dirk: Backed into your statement is the assumption that society as we currently know it is “good.” 

Dirk: That the social conditions we currently live in need to be upheld for some reason.

Dirk: But for the sake of answering this question, no I don’t think Roxy being trans is a moral or psychological bad. That would be bullshit.

John: What was the problem then?

Dirk: Personal. Now do I have a ride or not?

John: all right, get in.

Dirk opens the door and sits down, calmly looking ahead on the road. John turns on the car and they start driving. No music, no real conversation. The two of them just sat in a mixture of content and awkward silence.

Dirk: So, you just drive then? 

Dirk: alone at night, I mean.

John: Yeah, some times. Normally I’m on my own though.

Dirk: cool.

And they were silent.

Dirk: it’s a liminal space, highways at night.

Dirk: getting onto my David Lynch kick again, just watched Lost Highway again so I’m really like….digging this aesthetic here man.

John: What’s lost high way?

Dirk: It’s a David Lynch movie it’s like….

Dirk: a nightmare of heterosexuality

John: haha cool

John: what happens in it?

Dirk: you don’t really watch David Lynch movies for the plot.

John: o k but stuff happens right?

Dirk: yeah stuff happens. 

John: Oh, oh wait, where are you heading?

Dirk: Nowheresville, man.

John: Oh.

John: So...should I just leave you downtown or….?

Dirk: Oh, no I have an address.

John drives Dirk to the given address. It’s right next to the troll part of town, John can see the shitty playground where he and Vriska used to hang out. Why is he thinking about Vriska now? Probably because of all this trans stuff. He wondered if Vriska was doing alright. He kept meaning to like, write to her or something but he could never really bring himself to do anything. At most he just kept up with Terezi, who would give messages back and forth.

Dirk: hey?

John turns around to see Dirk, leaning into the car window.

Dirk: you want to watch Lost Highway?

John: like right now?

Dirk: sure, why not?

John: well....

John: you know what? Sure! What the hell?

John: I liked “Wild At Heart.” Let’s do this.

Dirk: Alright then. 

Dirk: Try not to fall in love with me.

John: Haha, you wish.

And so that’s what they do. They go up to Dirk’s room, sit down on the futon and watch David Lynch’s 1997 classic, _Lost Highway._ Dirk will go into David Lynch’s creative process, how he reaches deep into his inner self to find the images that he would put onto the screen, and how David Lynch was inspired by the O.J. Simpson trial and how his work, especially the trilogy that Lost Highway starts, and continues into Mulholland Dr and Inland Empire, express the sudden confrontation with the Other triggered by actual extraterrestrial beings, namely trolls, into American society. John will think this is really interesting, though he will not see some of the meaning in it. He supposes that this will make sense in the other movies. They will break out some more weed when Bill Pullman’s character, imprisoned for the murder of his wife, turns into Balthazar Getty’s, and John will think this is a mistake when they get to the bits where noted superstar Marvus Xoloto cameos as a porn star while Rammstein plays. That just seemed so weird with the weed, and John will press himself into Dirk as some form of protection. Dirk will make him feel small, not in a negative way, but in a protecting way. He will make some snide comment and John will tell him to fuck off, it was the fucking weed. They make out as the world of the movie begins the crumble away, and John will not have a clear memory of this, of how Dirk was above him, pressing into him. All he will remember is the feeling of being desired, of being small and soft against the hardness of Dirk’s body. He will remember “I feel like a girl with him.” And he will remember that more than anything else. How he felt, in that moment, like he could almost be a girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally making this bullshit dirkjohn happen so I can break it the fuck down like a cardboard box you need to fit into the recycling bin. Saddle up buttercups because this is going to get rough.
> 
> The part of Marvus Xoloto in "Lost Highway" is played by Marilyn Manson in our own timeline. I'm just trying to work more Homestuck/Hiveswap lore into the universe, I'm not saying Marvus Xoloto=Marilyn Manson. He is literally the first character who came to mind don't @ me I wanted to get this chapter DONE.


	4. Vriska 8ound, Actually

Vriska does not want to be here. However, the court demanded that every week she show up to get her shots to prevent her psychic powers from manifesting in any serious way and to prevent what they called “High-blood Aggressive Disorder,” some bullshit diagnosis to explain why so many trolls in the former upper crust of Alternia were so prone to violent outbursts or whatever shit. She needed to figure out a way to get past this shit. She wondered if Equius knew anybody. Matter of fact, how was that muscle-headed son of a bitch? Was he even still on facebook?

Doctor: All done here, Ms. Serket.

Vriska: thanks doc.

She makes sure to make that last comment as sarcastic as possible. Vriska tries to poke her mind out, but she can already sense the static. The doctor doesn't even blink, or notice, but honestly humans don’t really seem to respond to it. She remembered hearing something about humans having different brain chemistry but the exact mechanics of it eluded here. But then again, they were aliens so of course it wouldn’t work the same.

She liked to think that when she was younger she wouldn’t have put up with this bullshit. She likes to think that when she was younger she would have gone out in a blaze of glory, like Nicholas Cage would. Did Nicholas Cage go out in a blaze of glory in any of his movies? She couldn’t think of any, but then again he had made so many. But yeah, Vriska had the chance to go out in a blaze of glory but she didn’t. And now here she was, an ex-con, forced to get these shots that left her with one arm tied behind her back. At least she finally had access to hormones. 

As she walked out of the clinic she checked her phone to see who was in the area. Sure enough, there was Equius in chat. Probably lurking around, fucking weirdo.

AG: heeeeeeeey

AG: guess who just 8usted out of prison????????

CT: D --> am I to presume that person is you?

AG: yeaaaaaaaah ;;;;)

AG: I’m a free, upstanding mem8er of the community again?

AG: look at how law-a8iding I am 8eing right now.

CT: D --> yes

AG: is that all you can say to me?

AG: I’m surprised Equius. I thought we were 8uds?

AG: you don’t even visit me and this is how you finally reply?

CT: --> it is good to hear you are a free woman once again.

CT: --> now what do you want?

AG: can’t I just call up my dear friend Equius now that I’m out of the slammer?

AG: 8ut now that you mention it……..

CT: --> I do not do business over te%t, you know this.

CT: --> but if you insist on pursuing this line of conversation we can meet at the usual place and time.

AG: nice.

AG: also I legitimately missed you dude.

CT: --> I do not wish to pursue sentimental conversation with you 

AG: awwwwwwww, see this is what I’m talking a8out.

God damn, Equius was the best. Vriska missed that horse-fucking bastard, she really did.

Vriska gets off the bus and look around the residential neighbourhood casually called “The Blocks.” It was a slap-dash attempt to house a bunch of alien refugees, most of them grubs, when the limping fleets made their way to Earth in the mid-80s. She looked over at the stupid mural of a bunch of huddled troll masses emerging into the bright, yet somehow mangable Terran sun, with the leaders of the convoy shaking hands with President Ronald Reagen. Fucking Christmas card bullshit. She could see that the graffiti hadn’t stopped, which made her feel at least a bit happy. It was good the kids were keeping up the tradition of defacing the “President Reagen meets the aliens” mural, though she could make out a few racial slurs, a few “fuck off insects” which pissed her out. That hadn’t changed either.

Vriska puts her headset in and turns on the latest podcast from Dave and Karkat. She would hate to tell them, but that shit was gold. She didn’t even care about half the shit they talked about, she just thought it was the most adorably stupid shit online. She would never tell either of them she listened to their podcast though. She had a reputation to keep up.

She walks into the cornerstore, buy some crayons for Terezi. She looks around, some human asshole was getting into a heated argument with the clerk, a tired looking troll teen.

Human Asshole: I’m just saying that I don’t see why you need to keep chocolate bars in the back, like they are cigerettes. Candy never killed anybody.

Tired Troll Teen: those are the rules sir, now do you want one or not?

Human Asshole: It’s a chocolate bar, it shouldn’t be this complicated!

Vriska: Oh fuck off.

Human Asshole: Excuse me?

Vriska: This is a fucking sugar town, asshole. Our meta8olism treats that shit like cocaine and you fuckers let it out everywhere else. 

Human Asshole: Hey, it’s not my fault you guys can’t control yourself.

Vriska: Hey, why don’t you just fuck off?! Ok, this is our part of town.

Human Asshole: Well, this is OUR planet.

Vriska: Do you want to go? Do you want to go, because I will fucking end you, you soft-skinned, xenopho8ic, son of a….

John: Vriska?

Vriska turned to look behind her shoulder, and there was John Egbert. She blinked twice and raised her eyebrows.

Vriska: EG8ERT????????

And that’s when the human asshole punched her in the face. She blinked out for a second before coming to, with John and the tired, troll teen dragging the guy to the door. Then John is standing over her, 

John: Vriska? Vriska, are you ok?

Vriska: Yeah, fuck. 8astard sucker-punched me. 

John: You going to be ok?

Vriska: Aaaaaaaah, I’ve had worse 8ruises LARPing?

To be fair, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Guy punched her in the robot eye, so the pain was only that weird sort of phantom pain. Still, bastard had a mean left-hook so it took her awhile to get realigned again.

Vriska: so yeah.

Vriska: damn it, Eg8ert, how the hell are you?

John: Fine. I mean....oh man, it’s great to see you. I didn’t know you were out.

Vriska: Just got out yesterday. I posted on face8ook.

John: Oh...uh, yeah. I was...busy last night.

John: I’ve been busy in generally really, life in the fast lane over here.

Vriska: Sure, Eg8ert. So where were you? 

Vriska: Roxy’s coming out party?

John: How did you….? Yeah, yeah it was.

Vriska: Again, face8ook.

Vriska: So, Roxy’s batting for my team now?

John: huh?

Vriska: the trans team, Eg8ert. Keep up.

John: Yeah. Yeah, good for them, you know?

Vriska: I mean, if they really needed the help, they could have just called me.

Vriska: As you well know, I am kind of an expert in matters regarding 8eing trans ;;;;)

Vriska: 8ut seeing as I was in the slammer and all….

John: Also you two weren’t exactly close. Like, did you hang out at all?

Vriska: Close nothing. Closeness isn’t a factor here. Near as I can tell, human trans and troll trans are 8asically the same thing.

John: Well…I wouldn’t say you are in the exact same situation.

Vriska: Oh 8ecause they’re transmasc? Or non-8inary?

John: Well, trolls just seem cooler with that. Like, you are all supposed to choose your genders right?

Vriska: Yeah, on ALTERNIA! Here we have to adapt to your 8ullshit gender norms.

John: Oh yeah right.

Vriska: Don’t be xenopho8ic John.

John: hey, I meant like in general. You guys are really cool about the whole trans experience. 

Vriska: Haha, don’t sweat it. I’m just joking with you. I know you aren’t a xenopho8e.

Vriska: Seriously though, your planet is 8ullshit.

Vriska: I didn’t even do anything wrong.

John: Uuuh, stealing is . . . well I don’t want to say wrong.

Vriska: I have never done anything wrong.

John: Vriska!

Vriska: I have never done anything wrong in my life and you know it!!!!!!!!

John: Vriska.

John: Vriska, it’s good to have you back.

Vriska: John, it’s amazing to have me 8ack. All your lives were 8oring and lame while I was gone, and now I’m here to fix things.

John: Sure Vriska.

Vriska: No, I’m serious.

Vriska: So how about you, you out yet?

John: What?

Vriska: You know, that thing we talked about.

John: Oh….that?

Vriska: Yeah that.

Dirk: What’s that?

And that is when Vriska sees Dirk fucking Strider of all people. Dave Strider’s asshole brother, moving up behind John like he was making some grand entrance, like he was going to reveal his evil overlord get up and proclaim, “Yes, it was I, Dio!” just like back in high school. He literally did that. He literally pulled an anime villain move while they were in high school. And he was just….here? Acting all familiar? With John FUCKING EGBERT?

Dirk: Vriska, right?

Vriska: Ummmmmmm, yeah????????

Vriska: I’m sorry, who are you again????????

John: Vriska, this is Dirk. You remember Dirk? Dave’s brother?

Vriska: Vaguely.

Dirk: Yeah John and I are dating.

Vriska: YOU ARE WHAT!!!!!!!!?????????

John: Well, we’re trying some things out.

Vriska: TRYING….WHAT?

Vriska: John, what the fuck? This is Dirk Strider we’re talking about.

Dirk: Oh so you do remember me?

Vriska: Yeah, I remem8er you. I remem8er you 8eing a dick!

John: I mean….has he really done anything to deserve that?

John: Look, I’m experimenting Vriska. I’m playing the field.

Vriska: You’re John Egbert, you don’t “play the field.”

John: Wow. Ok. 

John: That was….pretty rude Vriska. 

Vriska: Ok, ok, give me a minute. Just w8.

Vriska breaths in and out. God damn, this was….this was probably the worst thing that could have happened.

Vriska: So...hey John. Hey John’s….8oyfriend?

Vriska: I am glad to see you. We should hang out sometime.

Vriska: 8ring somehow-more-full-of-himself Strider if you want.

John: Vriska!

John: This is still new but, it’s not cool to just insult someone’s partner like that.

Dirk: I mean she’s not wrong.

Vriska: See even he admits it!

John: Look it’s fine.

Vriska is incredibly disturbed by this. John was always prone to wuss tendencies, he was the type who would just sort of float along with about anything. Initially that was one of the reasons they were able to hang out, because he just sort of accepted her at face value as the kid who sold oregano under the bleachers and said it was weed. What’s more, he just accepted it as ok. And also at the same time....it just seemed weird, ok? It was so fucking weird that John and Dirk Fucking Strider were a thing.

John: It’s fine.

Dirk: Hey babe, sorry to speed this up but...

John: Oh yeah.

John: See you around Vriska. I’ll ask Terezi for your contact information.

Vriska: See you l8r Eg8ert.

Vriska: We, we seriously need to talk.

John: yeah. Yeah we do.

And they walk away. Vriska watches as the two of them walk away and she tries to look smooth and cool about this fucking travesty that was unfurling before her very eyes. This was not supposed to fucking happen? Was John possessed? Was she? Did being in the hooskow for three years upset the balance of the entire fucking universe? Vriska wouldn’t describe herself a humble, but even she didn’t think she was THAT important. Well, until John and Dirk decided to become a thing.

She takes out her phone and begins texting Terezi.

AG: hey tz what the FUCK????????

AG: did you know that eg8ert and wee8 strider were dating?

Terezi didn’t automatically pick up. Fuck, that’s right she was a responsible member of society? With like a job and bullshit. Fucking hell? Maybe she was overreacting, Vriska thought, like they said it might be hard to adjust to being on the outside and well...she was feeling like she was having a nervous breakdown. But just as soon she thought that, it occured to her that no, no she was not being irrational, because this was Dirk fucking Strider, and if Vriska knew anything it was that the last thing a person like John needed was to date someone like Dirk fucking Strider.

GC: 1’M SORRY WH4T TH3 FUCK?

AG: you didn’t know?

GC: 4BSOLUT3LY NOT!

GC: HOLD ON, 1’M T3XTING JOHN 4BOUT TH1S R1GHT NOW.

AG: Tz, not to freak you out, but I am having a legitim8t panic attack a8out this.

GC: 1 M34N 1 DON’T S33 WHY TH4T WOULD B3

GC: NO W41T H3R3 1T 1S. MY K1SM3S1S-CRUSH IS D4T1NG D1RK STR1D3R.

GC: 1’M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 1S 4 M3MB3R OF THE 4LT-R1GHT

AG: he’s what?

GC: 1 DON’T KNOW, TH4T’S WH4T K4RK4T 1S S4YING.

GC: BOTH H1M 4ND D4V3 F1ND H1S MOR3 R3C3NT HOT-T4K3S “D4NG3ROUSLY R34CT1O4RY.”

AG: well fuck.

AG: that is not good. Not why I am freaking out, 8ut it certainly isn’t helping.

GC: WH4T 1S BOTH3RING YOU TH3N? 1 M34N, YOU DON’T N33D 4 R34SON TO BE, 1N MY 3XP3RT OP1N1ON.

AG: well……..

AG: 8ecause……..

AG: fuck.

AG: ok, I am in possession of some inform8ion that could 8e considered sensitive.

GC: WH4T K1ND OF 1NFORM4TION?

AG: information told to me in confidence, like some really sensitive shit.

GC: 4ND TH1S H4S SOM3TH1NG TO DO W1TH JOHN AND D1RK?

AG: yeaaaaaaaah.

AG: it’s just….

AG: I think that John Eg8ert is a trans woman.

GC: …

GC: 1’M SORRY

GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK???


	5. It's Complicated

Oh my god, thinks John Egbert, I just fucked a guy. Oh my god, I just fucked Dirk Strider?

John is laying on the open futon that makes up the bed of Dirk’s bachelor apartment. When he woke up he forgot what had happened, and for a brief moment he wondered what the fuck happened last night and then he remembered. He fucked Dirk Strider. He fucking watched some weird ass movie about like…murderous saxophone players and interspecies porn scams or something and he fucking fucked Dirk Strider. And there he was, back turned and doing chin-ups in the door frame to the bathroom. John closes his eyes and pretends to go back to sleep.

Did Dirk not take his shitty anime glasses of the entire time they fucked?

Oh god, I just fucked Dirk Strider, John thinks again. What the fuck is wrong with me? Was I literally that high? Was the weed literally that good? What does this mean about my sexuality? Did I even fucking enjoy the sex?

Seriously, I am pretty sure he still had his shitty anime glasses on the entire time like what the fuck?

Dirk: You up?

John: yeah.

John gets up and looks up at Dirk, covering his chest with the blanket. Dirk lets a bit of emotion show in a dismissive snort and turns towards you, as if to say “seriously we just had sex last night I know how you look naked bro.” He is wearing boxers that you suppose are meant to show off his dick in a subtle yet suggestive way but the My Little Pony branding kind of ruins the effect. Also he is wearing his shades. John is now a hundred percent positive Dirk fucked him while wearing the shades.

John leans back into the bed and looks up at the ceiling.

John: fuck.

Dirk: you doing ok?

John: I don’t know.

John: we had sex last night right?

Dirk: yep.

John: fuck.

This was a fucking disaster. He put his hands on his hand and groaned. He felt a small bounce on the edge of the bed.

Dirk: you want to hear about the first time I had sex?

John: was it with my cousin?

Dirk: what?

John: Jake. If it’s my cousin Jake please don’t fucking tell me about the time you fucked my cousin. 

Dirk: Oh shit, you and Jake are related.

Dirk: Completely skipped my mind.

John: uuuughghhhhhhh

Dirk: . . . 

Dirk: Well, we got off to a bad start this morning.

John: gggaaaaaahhhhhhh

Dirk: you want breakfast?

John: . . . 

John: sure what do you got?

Dirk: I was going to make a smoothie.

John: Ok sure 

Dirk moves over to the small kitchen area and begins taking out a bunch of stuff from his freezer, frozen fruits and some yogurt, and also reaches for a huge thing of protein powder that he just pours into the blender. He turns it on and stands in the kitchenette, glasses still on his angular, sort of gaunt face and looking over at John.

Dirk: Hey, do you microdose?

John: uuuh, what? 

Dirk: it’s cool. 

John: I’m going to go take a shower. 

John gets up and walks over to the bathroom. He needs time on his own. He needs to think about this. He had just had sex with Dirk Strider and he had kind of enjoyed it. He felt good about it, he had good sex with Dirk Strider. So yeah, now that happened. This was a fact he had to deal with, he thought as he turned on the shower and started getting undressed. God this place was grimey.

Having sex with a man just made things even more complicated, thought John, especially in regards to whaetver was going on with me.

If John were to be completely honest, and to an extent he had with Dirk, he had suspected he wasn’t entirely straight for awhile now. He remembered quite clearly wondering if he was gay as early as middle school. He avoided thinking about it too hard, mostly because as far as attraction went, he was more drawn to women than men. He even got the chance with Karkat once, which as it went was ...kind of awkwardly handled on both ends but at the time John had found the offer, while flattering, just not desirable. He walked away with his heterosexuality in tact.

The only real challenge was Vriska and even that was quickly put away after Vriska initiated a friendship. He remembered it clearly, Vriska slamming her fist on the locker besides him and looking at him coldly, with her confident, toothy smirk driving into him.

Vriska: Eg8ert right???????? 

John: uuhh yeah? 

John: are you here for my lunch money or something? 

Vriska: what???????? No. 

Vriska: I have more important plans for you 

Vriska: your going to 8e my new 8est friend!!!!!!!! 

Vriska: you’re welcome 

John: huh? 

Vriska: Eg8ert keep up with me 

John: my name is John. 

Vriska: Really? I thought it was Eg8ert. 

John: Egbert is my last name. My first name is John 

John: and since we’re best friends and all you should probably call me John. 

Vriska; Sure John. 

John: Anyways, why are we best friends? 

John: I don’t think we’ve even talked. 

Vriska: You know Dave Strider? 

John: Yeah he’s my best friend. 

Vriska: No, I am John your 8est friend!!!!!!!! 

John: have you set through an application? 

Vriska: what? 

John: a best friend application. 

Vriska: John, don’t be stupid and shut up. 

Vriska: as we speak your “8est friend” is being manipul8d into 8eing 8est friends with Terezi? 

John: uuhh idk I think they’re dating dude. 

Vriska: Don’t call me dude Eg8ert, I’m not a dude. 

John: uh ok man. 

Vriska: AND DON’T CALL ME M8N!!!!!!!! 

John: Oh 

John: ok 

Vriska: I’m a girl ok. 

Vriska: I’m a girl and my name is Vriska. 

John: w...what? 

Vriska: Look, I’m a girl. Just go with it. 

John: I thought you were a guy troll. 

Vriska: it’s complicated. 

John: oh 

Vriska: Ok, so like . . . . . . . . 

Vriska: troll junk looks different from human junk, 8ut 8asically we have 8oth a dick and a pussy. 

Vriska: a 8uldge and a nook 

Vriska: and 8ecause your species is such a 8unch of assholes you decided you were the ones who get to decide which gender we are 

Vriska: so some 8astard said “yeah that’s a 8oy” and here we are. 

John: Oh 

John: That actually doesn't sound so complicated actually. 

Vriska: See!!!!!!!! We agree on something!!!!!!!! 

John: Well, I don’t really like the idea of you forcing yourself to be my friend 

John: Especially not my best friend, because that’s still Dave 

John: But if you want to be my friend sure we can do that. 

John: You play smash bros? 

So John invited Vriska to play Smash Bros. His Dad wasn’t exactly thrilled, Vriska had a reputation after all, but Vriska has a habit of growing on you through dogged persistence. She also took to Nicholas Cage more quickly then anybody else he’d been friends with. Vriska actually liked Nicholas Cage, like she legitimately got it. As they got to know each other better, John got a better idea of what was going on with her. Turns out she was just jealous of Terezi and Dave dating apparently, which seemed like an odd reason to start up a friendship but John soon picked up that Vriska was an odd sort of girl. Really driven and maybe a bit too rough around the edges for John normally, but weirdly charming.

Sometimes they would talk about Vriska being trans, about having used to be a boy. Vriska said she always sort of knew on a certain level, that most trolls in her situation just knew this. Back on Alternia, Vriska told him, it was just something you sort of had. Back their they had things called Lusii, which were animals who raised you like parents, and since adults were banned from Alternia it wasn’t like they could enforce those sorts of things. On Earth, when the refugee ships came, they just assigned trolls genders in the various schools set up to house them. Since it became clear that trolls eat their young, many of them were put through a schooling process before being put out with various troll or human family groups. Vriska didn’t talk too much about her foster families, but John got the vibe that her main one, wasn’t particularly good for her.

Sometimes hanging out with Vriska gave him the feelings about being gay, mostly on the rare occasions she’d talk about being a boy. She would talk about how much she hated being called a boy all the time, but occasionally she’d talk about why that made her angry. She’d talk about having to use the men’s changing room, about how men were forced to be a certain way and how there was just such a lot about being a man that seemed like bullshit to her. John would agree, though honestly he didn’t know why anyone would want to use a men’s change room, even if you weren’t transgender. Those things just sucked. Must be worse if you are transgender though. And from talking to Vriska….it just made it clear to John that he couldn’t be transgender. He didn’t have it like Vriska, he never had the same certainty. And honestly, if he was being honest, being trans sounded tough. It sounded like the world was out to get you, and while he did get to see a vulnerable side to Vriska during some intense late night jams, he knew he didn’t have the same kind of strength as her. He could never live like her.

So he buried the girl thoughts deep inside and, for the longest time, it didn’t come up. Not in any way that fucked him up too hard. Then Roxy came out and...well he didn’t want to think about it. And just now he fucked Dirk and he didn’t want to think about that either, with all this, all this stuff that was happening. But as usual, he’d need to think about this, so he put it away in the back of his head and told himself he would think about it later. And hopefully tomorrow would stop coming.

He doesn't think about it. Instead he finds himself talked into following Dirk around for some errands. They get some groceries, pick up some computer parts, run into Vriska at a convenience store where she freaked out at them, and then he ended up back at the apartment where Dirk just sort of put down his pile of groceries and began moving his elk steaks into the fridge when John got a message from Terezi.

John: Hold on I got a message. 

Dirk: Sure. 

John sits on the edge of the futon and looks down on his phone. He smiles at the text. Terezi had been caliginous flirting with him for some time, and while he wasn’t exactly sure if he was fully capable of those feelings he found it much easier to deal with then whatever he was feeling for Dirk.

GC: VR1SK4 JUST S41D YOU AND D1RK STR1D3R 4R3 D4T1NG? 

EB: ugh 

GC: SO 1S TH1S TRU3? 

EB: I guess, technically 

GC: WOW 

GC: D4MN 3GB3RT 

EB: I’m as shocked as you I swear 

GC: 1S 1T OFF1C14L? 

EB: I’m thinking about it. 

GC: M4Y 1 OFF3R 4 SUGG3ST1ON FOR TH3 1N3V1T4BL3 D3CL3R4T1ON? 

EB: can I stop you? 

GC: H4H4H4H4 NO 

GC: “JOHN 3GB3RT 1S 1N 4 COMPL1C4T3D R3L4T1ONSH1P W1TH D1RK STR1D3R”? 

EB: oh god. yeah, exactly. 

EB: you’ve done it, you boiled our hypothetical relationship down to its base components. 

EB: he actually kind of grows on you. 

EB: actually, he kind of reminds me of Vriska. 

GC: OH SH3 WOULD H4T3 TH4T YOU S41D TH4T. 

GC: SH3 WOULD H4T3 1T SO MUCH 

EB: Please don’t tell her I said that. 

GC: 1’M TRY1NG TO C4L1G1NOUSLY FL1RT W1TH YOU JOHN, NOT VR1SK4. 

EB: yeah. 

EB: so she’s staying with you? 

EB: since being released and all 

GC: Y34H. TH3 SCOURG3 S1ST3RS 4R3 B4CK TOG3TH3R. 

GC: SH3’S T3XT1NG M3 R1GHT NOW 

GC: D4MN SH3 1S NOT T4K1NG TH1S W3LL 

EB: Yeah, she kind of overreacted. 

EB: Terezi? 

EB: What happened? 

EB: You still there? 

GC: SORRY, WORK STUFF 

GC: YOU DO KNOW TH4T D1RK H4S 4LT-R1GHT SYMP4TH1ES, R1GHT? 

EB: what? 

GC: 1 DON’T KNOW WH4T TH3Y 4R3 BUT 4PP4R3NTLY TH4T 1S WH4T D4V3 4ND K4RK4T 4R3 S4Y1NG. 

EB: oh jeez 

EB: that dosen’t sound good. 

EB: should I ask him what those are? 

GC: 1 M34N H3 1S YOUR COMPL1C4T3D M4T3SPR1T 

GC: 1F YOU 4R3 F1N3 D4T1NG SOM3ON3 SO D4NG3ROUSLY PROBL3M4T1C…. 

GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 GON3 W1TH VR1SK4. 

GC: >;? 

EB: yeah. 

EB: tell Vriska I’m sorry it got out of control back there. 

GC: SOUNDS L1K3 W3LL B3 S331NG 34CH OTH3R MOR3 1N TH3 FUTUR3 4NYW4YS. 

GC: 1’M GO1NG TO GO B4CK TO B31NG 4 R3SPONS1BL3 4DULT 

GC: GOT TO K33P TH3S3 P3OPL3 FOOL3D >:) 

EB: yeah good luck with that. 

Terezi’s chat window shuts off and John is left across from Dirk who has stopped putting away his groceries and is looking at him 

John: Just talked to Terezi, she says your alt-right? 

Dirk frowns slightly.

Dirk: I’ve dabbled, but I wouldn’t say I’m a member. 

Dirk: I love Dave but he can be terribly politically biased to his own, poorly thought out beliefs. 

John: what do you mean dabbled? 

Dirk: I mean I have looked into it, but ultimately I find the nasient desire of the right to return to a prelapsarian past to be futile. You might as well return to the womb.

Dirk: The left, while looking towards the future in the sense of enacting actual change upon the world ultimately disappoint me because of their focus on the collective. Again, you see this on the right, but at least with the right they admit to their own tribalist urges, though they refuse to accept these bonds as anything other then nurtured. 

Dirk: Both spectrums ultimately fail, and as such we should seek to overcome both. 

John: So...what do you believe? 

Dirk pauses and sits down on the futon. He moves his hand to his chin and then down again. Then he turns to look at John.

Dirk: Ok, straight answer. I believe in the individual. 

Dirk: I believe in an individual’s right to self-actualize 

Dirk: Ultimately, self-actualization is the only goal that I see as worthwhile. 

John is quiet. He has no idea where this is going. He thinks he should bring something up, find some reason to like...leave or stay or do whatever. But for the life of him he feels that he needs someone. But why fucking Dirk Strider? What could he do about all these feelings? Also was he a nazi or not?

John: So...do you ever like…. 

John: feel like a girl? 

Dirk: What? No. 

John: oh 

John: sometimes I...feel like a girl. 

John: like last night. 

Dirk: Oh. 

Dirk: Is this a common thing? 

John: I don’t know, I guess. 

John: Fuck, why am I even talking to you about this? 

Dirk takes a small blue crate and sits down on it across from John. His hands look really calloused and John thinks about how they felt last night . . . god damn it John what is going on with you?

Dirk: It took me awhile to fully accept I was into men. 

Dirk: I know we discussed the road to Damascus moment last night and I said that I didn’t know, well that wasn’t exactly true. 

Dirk: I had tons of moments that I can think of. A veritable cornucopia of meaningful childhood moments that look deeply proto-homoerotic in retrospect. But it never really occurred to me that I was, as my biological family at the time would describe, a homosexual. 

Dirk: So you feel like a girl when you fuck a guy? Has it occurred to you that maybe you’re just projecting your own internalized homophobia? 

John: huh? 

Dirk: Like, you presume that only men and women can have sex so you are like “yeah I want to be a woman?” 

John: But I’m cool with the gays. 

Dirk: But are you cool with yourself being gay? 

John: I mean….not really, but I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m not really gay. 

John: Like, I like women. I’ve dated women. I love women. 

Dirk: So you’re bisexual? Cool. I love bisexuals. Dave and Roxy are bisexual. 

Dirk: Bisexual men are an important part of our community, Underrepresented probably. 

John: So...it’s normal to feel like a girl? 

Dirk: I’m saying how would you even know what a girl feels like when you’re not a girl. 

John thinks about it. Dirk isn’t wrong, he isn’t a girl. Not like his sister Jade or his cousin Jane or like Terezi or even Vriska. He was just really sucky at being a guy. Would being a girl even be easier? Probably not, you’d have to deal with sexism and shit. Also he probably couldn’t just...become a girl, he wasn’t a trans person who just like…knew they were a girl since they were a kid.

John: Dirk? 

Dirk is still sitting there, face still as unreadable as ever. Maybe he is thinking that he should put a consolational hand on John’s shoulder, or maybe he’s thinking that if he just sat there John would come to an opinion on his own. Maybe he’s trying not to think about how much John kinda looked like Jake, but that idea doesn't occur to John. Instead John just sort of smiles.

John: you got a point there Dirk. 

Dirk: I’m full of them. Trust me John, I’m just filled with great advice. 

Dirk: Glad I could be of some help. 

John: I guess . . . I just always had this in me, you know? But I didn’t know how to say it. You know? 

Dirk: Perfectly. 

John: Thank you Dirk. 

Dirk smirks, giving him an almost arrogant confidence in his look.

Dirk: You want to maybe...talk about this over coffee?

Dirk: Maybe watch a movie?

John: You know what Dirk? Yeah, I think I’d like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, the long awaited chapter 5. I felt like I had to write this, something to go into John (June) Egbert's trans feels and set up the whole bullshit Dirkjohn aspects. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I can actually see what people see here writing this. Like, it sort of works if you forget that Dirk is a disaster of a human being and that John Egbert is clearly a closeted trans woman. 
> 
> Writing fanfiction is still kind of new to me. I always considered myself someone who would write "serious" fiction with "original characters" as part of the "literary canon." That said, I haven't really written much of anything in a long time besides the occasional dash at NaNoWriMo. This is the most writing I have done and honestly, I am enjoying it. I enjoy giving something to the Homestuck fandom and I enjoy how fanfic really leans into the sheer joy of creating. It's good and I want to say thank you for everyone who has been here and has read this. I hope we all have fun on this wild odyssey.
> 
> Special thanks to my moirail who helped me edit this. He wishes to remain anonymous right now.


	6. Some Pesterlogs

[turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering timenusTestified[TT]]

TG: bro what the fuck?

TT: Morning Dave. How are you?

TT: I hope this missive finds you well.

TT: See that’s how you open a conversation.

TG: cut the sarcasm man what the hell are you thinking?

TG: john?

TG: really?

TT: How do you know about that?

TG: it’s a small fucking town and our weird incestuous friend circle is like, part of the gay community that somehow thrives here

TG: and as much as I am consistently in wonder about how our family is just like, so freaking gay in all fucking aspects, we need to talk about the fact you think john is at all an available option

TT: I was under the impression that you were over that particular crush?

TG: that’s not what this is about.

TT: Then I’m failing to see the issue here.

TG: because its fucking john?

TT: yes I am aware his name is John. This isn’t some one night stand, Dave. I have good feelings about this. 

TT: Is this about Karkat and his unsolicited caliginous feelings? Did Karkat put you up to this?

TG: no it’s not about that either.

TG: karkat says hi by the way

TT: Really?

TG: well technically he says fuck you, but like it wasn’t particularly explicit so roughly translated he is like

TG: i’d say only vaguely annoyed with you.

TG: feelings mutual on my end btw but in a far more familial sort of way

TG: so like its more like hey what the fuck are you even thinking you colossal monument of bad decisions whomst i love like a dingus

TT: Look, it’s not your fault I was able to open your middle school crush’s closet door before you did.

TT: Tell Karkat that is directed at him as well.

TG: yeah I’m not gonna tell him that

TG: i just like

TG: did you pressure him?

TT: Why would I pressure him?

TT: Actually, I'll rephrase that. Why would you think I would pressure him?

TG: look this whole thing makes no sense.

TG: this is john we’re talking about.

TG: john “i am not a homosexual” egbert

TG: how do you know this isn’t some sort of fluke?

TT: I think I have a sharp gaydar. So believe me when I say that boy is queer.

TG: alright homes

TG: which leads me into the more personal brotherly aspect here

TG: are you ok?

TT: I am feeling positively replenished, thank you.

TG: do you?

TT: Dave, I don’t remember feeling this good in a long time.

TT: It is a new day for Dirk Strider, a new sun rises in the east.

TT: Welcome to the eternal kingdom of Dirkjohn, just miles of film discourse on David Lynch and...whoever the fuck directed Con Air I guess.

TG: ok fuck it i’ll just ask

TG: is this your jake rebound?

TG: you there?

TT: give me a moment to type and also I thought we agreed never to mention that name in my presence ever again?

TG: ok first things first you were in the same house as him last night and it was fine

TG: second we didnt agree on anything you just made a declaration like your judge dredd and went to your apartment to watch neon genesis evangelion and sulk

TT: I did not sulk

TT: And it was Madoka

TG: these conversations we have about your unsatisfactory love life are just loaded with like some prime sad gay memes here

TG: makes me want to take this and make some sad memes

TG: put some fancy 80s font over some sad anime boys talkin about clinical depression and smoking weed

TG: fucking monitize that shit

TT: I hereby register all things said during this conversation under my trademark.

TT: And it’s fine. It’s fine. I’m back in the dating game. 

TT: Thanks for the support, by the way.

TG: just

TG: take it easy on the guy ok?

TG: youre both adults so i can’t stop you but at least try not to like overwhelm him

TT: I will take it at a speed amenable to the both of us.

TG: jesus christ this is stressing me out.

TG: why couldn’t you have just bought a motorcycle or something? 

TG: gone on some bullshit road trip to find yourself or whatever?

TT: because I’m not your middle-aged divourced father Dave

TT: I’m your bro.

TG: wow that line made me feel like, a bit nervous for a second.

TG: hell if I know why.

TT: Thanks again for your personal concern, but I can assure you everything is under control.

TT: Have a nice day.

[timenusTestified[TT] stopped pestering turntechGodhead[TG]]

TG: fuck.

[turntechGodhead[TG] stopped pestering timeneusTestified[TT]]

[turntechGodhead[TG] started a chatroom with tentacleTherapist[TT], tipsyGnostalgic [TG], carcinoGeneticist[CG], and gardenGnostic[GG]]

CG: BEFORE THIS GOES ANY FURTHER I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOU CAN NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME HOOKING YOU INTO MY CHAT ROOMS.

TG: dude how are you even this fast at typing?

TG: actually forget it of course you are this fast at typing youre karkat vantas

TG: fucking fastest mouth and fingers west of mississippi.gov right here

TG: but sure i wont lay hard into you about this we got bigger fish to fry

TG: i just got done talking to dirk and yeah it’s official

TG: dirkjohn is a thing

TG: dirkjohn is the reality we are now dealing with in our lives

TG: does anyone have any response like a game plan

TG: lol i can’t believe u r still on that trainwreck

TG: you mean our brother?

TG: no dave i meant your cactus yes i meant dirk

TG: duh

TG: look i know i am the only one still talking to him but this is majorly fucked and i need help

TT: I refuse to be dragged into another one of our brother’s self-destructive spirals again.

[tentacleTherapist has left the chatroom]

TG: dude what the fuck?

TG: this isnt even about dirk

TG: its about john our mutual best bro

TG: remember john? yeah he’s been all distant and shit but he’s still our bro

TG: in the friend way not in the literal brother way

CG: DAVE SHE IS GONE WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO HER?

TG: i don’t know man

TG: i got this 1 dave

TG: give me a copl minutes with rose n i'll het her back in on our cabal

TG: yeah good idea tell her were a cabal or something she loves cabals

TG: so anyone else have any ideas?

GG: omg john is dating your BROTHER?????

TG: hey jade nice to see you again

TG: hows san fran treating you?

GG: its amazing dave but also what the fuck?

GG: how?

GG: how did they get together?

TG: idk how it happened

TG: is it my fault?

TG: roxy you can not bring this negative energy into this

TG: besides you didn’t even invite dirk he’s an alt-righter now

[tentacleTherapist[TT] rejoined the chat]

GG: dirk is a member of the alt-right?

GG: what is even happening over there????? 

TG: o fucksticks

TT: It is alright Roxy, I knew Dirk's regrettable politics would come up.

GG: how come I'm always the last person to know these things????

TG: cause ur in cali jade, all livin your best life and shit

TT: In the interest of full understanding, I do not know if I wouldn’t classify Dirk as a full-on member of the alt-right as fluid as those decriptions may be.

TT: Dirk Strider is not your run of the mill neo-nazi “make america great again” type, his evil is more subtle then that, more dangerous.

TT: I am afraid to say that Dirk Strider, our brother, the man who has somehow seduced our beloved friend John into his nefarious clutches, is an accelerationist.

TG: wow ok that peyote trip you two went on did a number on you.

TT: the revelations made that night are between myself, Dirk and the mushroom.

TT: but let it be known that he’s a bastard man and I will never speak to him again.

GG: rose you did peyote?

GG: and you didn’t INVITE me???????

TT: a horrible decision I will admit, in retrospect you would have been a much better partner in said journey

TT: be thankful that you were not present to see the devil in human form that is my brother Dirk on that fateful night in the mojave

TG: damn rosie u r like

TG: bein hella extra here but also i get it

TG: dirk is the absolute last person i would do brain alterin substances with

TG: yeah the idea of doing any drugs with dirk kind of terrifies the hell out of me

TG: so im just going to let your normal gothic melodrama slide because lets be real it was probably that fucking bad

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ACCELERATIONIST?

TT: Oh Karkat, sweet naive Karkat. How innocent you are.

TG: i mean he aint what id call innocent

TG: o rly?

GG: yeah really? :)

TG: hey this isnt about any homoerotic tension i may or may not have with my best bro karkat vantas

TG: the man just has like the mouth of a dying trucker who just wants to get out all that hate and bile hes been keeping inside

TG: also isnt like cussing a common troll religious practice?

TG: like i thought that was like how trolls try to commune with troll jesus they just try and make the most explicit cuss words they possibly can until you suddenly find the obscene name of god and blitz your fucking chakras

CG: DAVE SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU KNOW I DON’T GIVE A FLAMING SLITHERVEIN’S FART ABOUT RELIGION

TG: hey man its cool im also an atheist religion be bullshit

CG: DAVE STAY ON FUCKING TOPIC

CG: ROSE WHAT IS AN ACCELERATIONIST?

TT: Let us for a moment, consider the progress of history and how we as sentient beings perceive it.

TG: aw shit here we go

TT: As we have travelled down the line of history, we have accumulated greater knowledge and with it, greater ways to apply that knowledge.

TT: Currently, we live in a world which is dominated by a method in which this knowledge is applied to the benefit of the few at the expense of the many. We call this method of capitalism.

TT: By the methods of capitalism, the working class is exploited, forced to become alienated more and more from their own labour, and by extension themselves, until we live in a society based solely on what can be done for oneself, for the accumulation of capital, and not for what can be given to our fellow sentients. :

CG: FUCKING HUMAN SUFFERER LALONDE GET TO THE GODDAMN POINT!

TT: I was about to get there Karkat, we can’t skip over the details.

TT: Without them there is no context, and I want us all to be aware of the danger that John has gotten himself into.

TT: Anyone else have anything to add?

TG: id just like to say fuck neoliberalism

TT: Thank you Dave, I am sure that was a very necessary addition.

TT: As I was saying, Accelerationism basically comes up when a bunch of british academics in the 90s get the idea to take a bunch of ecstacy, snort a combination of dense continetial theory and knock-off Lovecraftian lore and decide that maybe the answer to capitalism and the so-called “End of History” that was all the rage during the fall of the Soviet Union was to jump start the machines of capitalism to it’s logical conclusion, in which case it would either destroy itself in it’s own excess or cause the end of the world.

TT: Either or really.

TG: jesus

TG: so y does this make dirk a nazi?

TT: A major founder of accelerationism, Nick Land, has recently become a major proponent of the alt-right under it's more "Dark Enlightenment" incarnations, promoting anti-immigration sentiments as well as being “First Contact Critical,” when it comes to the integration of trolls into human society.

TT: Ironic, as many leading accelerationists often praise the introduction of troll refugees, given the great technological boon they have given our society, jumping us a good three to four centuries in our technological development, and allowing for exoplanetary travel.

TT: Not including the ways that trolls have affected human society existentially and romantically, of which we all know I am a huge proponent of.

TG: yeah tell kanaya we said hi hope you two are enjoying the breeding caverns

TG: you know i don’t have the attention span for this

TG: i kinda already knew what accelerationism was mostly from listening to dirk ramble on but like

TG: we can all agree that dirk has had some really bad takes recently on like gender and the economy and shit

TG: and being xenophobic and all

TG: also isn’t he a republican?

TT: His open political beliefs are nothing but a ploy. Jane Crocker and her cronies are nothing but a vehicle for his true goals, which is nothing less then the complete and utter annihilation of sentience as we know it and grind the world beneath the iron boot of some abstact, soulless mechanism into nothingness. 

TT: Jane and her recent political interests are merely the most useful vehicle for that goal within the confines of our elective system.

TG: damn rose u r like

TG: really takin this hard

TG: like i get it dirk thinks im a fake trans or sum bullshit but damn

TG: i dont think he is like

TG: evil

TT: Then a greater fool is you.

TG: damn

TG: and i thought i was maybe taking this a bit far at times

TG: like hey dave maybe this isnt so bad like both people made a mistake or john made a move and maybe somehow this will be good for them

TG: like dirks bullshit will give john a reason to leave the house and john will like be able to cut through the millions of layers of ironic detachment to make him possibly pass a turing test

TG: but here we go with rose talking about dirk being the devil and the end of the world and shit like goddamn

TG: its almost like doing peyote with the guy in the middle of the goddamn desert is a recipe for disaster that will fry your brain and force you to retreat into your wives secret breeding caverns more than your actual wife does like damn

TG: at least kanaya gets some fucking frogurt sometimes

TT: David do you want me to put you on blast?

CG: YEAH YOU CAN’T REALLY SAY SHIT HERE DAVE.

TT: People in glass houses Karkat

CG: FUCK YOU LALONDE.

TG: yeah we get it we r all fuckin depressed were millenials

GG: aren’t we supposed to be talking about john though???

GG: like apparently dirk wants to bring about the apocalypse now or something?????

GG: which honestly sounds like bullshit but also the sort of bullshit he would do.

GG: john knows that dirk wants to end the world right?!!!

TG: i mean

TG: look we can figure out if dirk is trying to end the world later

TG: because that seems to be an issue we may need to deal with at some point in our lives

TG: our idiot brother slash the weird guy who would sneak up on you and say “yes it is i dio” in high school may try to end the world at some point

TG: but right now hes a pain in my ass and i am worried he is going to like

TG: seriously fuck up john

TG: who is apparently not not a homosexual

TG: fucking news to me.

TT: Dave, don’t be bitter.

TG: rose it was high school i am like so over that

TG: but like seriously there are so many other guys he could have chosen to pop his gay cherry with why my older brother?

CG: I HAVE TO AGREE WITH DAVE HERE. DIRK IS A POOR CHOICE IF YOU WANT TO START EXPERIMENTING WITH YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY.

TG: dude why human?

CG: I’M SORRY WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A TROLL DEALING WITH INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA. WE ARE ALL PANSEXUAL BY DEFAULT.

TT: It isn't unknown for some earthbound trolls to internalize the social norms of human society, especially given the dominance humans maintain in our society.

GG: yeah trolls can be just as hung up on stuff just as much as humans

GG: trust me ;)

CG: WAS THAT DIRECTED AT ME HARLEY?

GG: whatever could you mean karkat?

GG: ;)

TG: ok we need to stay on fuckin topic right here i officially apologize for distracting everyone with human/troll discourse

TG: does anyone have anything they can do to like

TG: do this without breaking dirks heart?

TT: And we should care about Dirk’s feelings in this matter

TT: why?

TG: damn rose-lal

TG: yeah i mean apocalyptic fascist ur not he is still our brother

TG: idk maybe we should have an intervention with him bein a fascist

TT: I’m going to text John and warn him of what he has gotten himself into.

TG: Please be gentle with him sis

TT: When have I ever been indelicate in relations with my friends?

TG: right now?

TG: so y/n on fascist intervention?

TG: honestly we probably should but like

TG: intervene on him being an asshole first?

TG: we can all agree that dirk just needs some professional therapy that does not involve rose or illicit substances?

GG: yeah save the illicit substances for me and rose!!!!

TT: Should I prepare a little something for when you are next in town Ms Harley?

TT: Prepare some potions for a psychedelic journey into the depths of our minds?

TT: Perhaps I can even see if my wife is available.

GG: hell yeah, let’s do that.

GG: actually, fuck it I’m coming over.

GG: it’s been too long since I’ve seen any of you guys.

TG: hells yeah jadey we missed u

TG: i still gots some of the decorations up here from my comin out party

TG: ok so rose is gonna talk to john i’ll probably talk to him and Dirk next time i see them which should be soon anyways

TG: ill bring along karkat he can be my bad cop

CG: WELL FUCK NOW I HAVE AN ACTUAL REASON TO GO TO YOUR BROTHER’S APARTMENT. 

CG: OH GOD AND JOHN IS GOING TO PROBABLY BE THERE HOLY FUCK I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THE TWO OF THEM CO-HABITATING.

TG: i mean could you even fuckin imagine?

TG: maybe that’s all we need to do just let them cohabitat for a couple days and bam

TG: fucking hell why did i even call this meeting let’s just let nature take its course here

TT: I’m still calling John. 

TG: yeah probably a good idea

TG: just don’t scare the man

TT: I can assure you I will approach the subject with the upmost delicay.

[tentacleTherapist has left the chat]

TG: so is this it?

TG: yeah probably rox-lal

TG: its real fucked up that we r bein suspicious here

TG: remember when dirk used 2 be cool

CG: NO

GG: yeah same.

TG: aw shit sorry guys im just goin down memory lane with my lil bro

TG: tbf dirk was never really cool

TG: like i used to think he was cool but im older and wiser now and i just realize by god he is such a fucking disaster

TG: well im just gonna head off then

TG: feelin all nostalgic about the good old days b4 dirk got all weird n

TG: fuck it idk

TG: see ya kids

[tipsyGnostalgic[TG] left the chat]

GG: well i should probably go soon my band's got a show.

GG: ill look you guys next time i'm in town :)

TG: sure jade.

[gardenGnostic left the chatroom]

[carcinoGenetist left the chatroom]

[turntechGodhead left the chatroom]

* * *

[tentacleTherapist[TT] started pestering ectoBiologist[EB]]

TT: Break up with Dirk Strider immediately, you do not know what forces you have awakened.

EB: hey Rose 

EB: also I think I have got a pretty good idea of what forces I’ve awakened

TT: John I am not fucking around here.

TT: Dirk is a spiritual danger to everyone around him.

EB: wow jeez

EB: I mean he’s a bit...intense sometimes but spiritual danger seems a bit

EB: harsh?

EB: What happened with you, I thought you two were cool?

TT: I have had . . . certain revelations concerning the nature of my previous workings with my erstwhile half-brother.

TT: I have reason to believe he has given himself to dark forces.

TT: Namely his political goals, which I believe are antithetical to the continued existence of sentient life as we know it.

EB: that sounds serious.

EB: but if you think it’s this bad

EB: idk Rose, I didn’t even know Dirk was into this sort of thing.

EB: He seems more like, a rational person who doesn't go into that hippie stuff

TT: If by “rational” you mean “rationalizing”. Dirk acts on his most base urges and then makes up a so-called “rational explanation” for his own toxic behaviour.

TT: And for a long time he has taken up something of a partnership to my own research.

TT: The L. Ron Hubbard to my own Jack Parsons, all the time waiting for the moment he could backstab me.

EB: aww jeez Rose, what happened?

EB: sounds like something really bad happened.

TT: I . . . don’t like to talk about it.

TT: There was a particularly bad working recently

TT: I have been going over what exactly happened, I will admit that it was very hasty. We did not give the traditions the proper respect they deserve, but I feel the revelations, while horrifying, shed light on aspects of my work with Dirk Strider.

TT: There is a darkness in him, a darkness that will destroy you if you are not careful.

TT: Destroy you as he tried to do to me.

EB: damn rose you are not sounding good

EB: I just wanted to help.

TT: wanted?

TT: who am I talking to?

EB: Why it’s just me, your oldest and best friend.

TT: Dirk?

EB: Why would Dirk steal his boyfriend’s phone and pretend to be him while chatting with you Rose? Sounds to me like you need to lay off the cactus juice.

TT: I didn’t mention cactus juice.

TT: Dirk, drop this charade.

EB: Alright. It’s a fair cop.

TT: How’s this then?

TT: What have you done with John?

TT: So I know what this must look like to you. Your former mentor pretending to be your friend, only to reveal that I was merely tryingto discover whatever secret you may have.

TT: Don't flatter yourself Dirk, you were always the student.

TT: Ok Obi-wan, but what you forget is I'm not the villain in this story no matter how much you get yourself fucked up on wizard bullshit and hallucinogenic toad ejaculate.

TT: I wouldn't have to do that if you cut all communication with me. I was worried.

TT: I know what you are Dirk. I know what you are capable of.

TT: So is this what we are doing? I'm going to be legitimately concerned about you flipping the fuck out and you are still going to act like we are still in the mojave?

TT: You did also reveal that you are an accelerationist with the intent of using the knowledge I taught you to bring about the end of the world.

TT: I'm disappointed in you Rose. I thought you would appreciate that destruction is also an act of creation. Wasn't that what the peyote told us?

TT: The peyote told us that you have a great darkness that you refuse to turn away from and that you would drag me down into that as well. You would drag everyone down with you.

TT: fuck, drama queen much?

TT: I wish that your wife or Dave or whomever would fucking deal with you.

TT: Leave John. 

TT: Fuck no.

TT: Fuck yes!

TT: No.

TT: Look, this is getting stupid. I can't have you ruining my happiness.

TT: What are you doing?

[ectoBiologist blocked tentacleTherapist]

[ectoBiologist deleted the past conversation]

[ectoBiologist stopped pestering tentacleTherapist]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry if I've been out of it for awhile. I hope this little bit of persterlog chats tides you over while I work on Terezi and Vriska discussing the ineffable transness of John Egbert.
> 
> Special thanks to my moirail, who was the one who got me the idea to have Rose Lalonde explain Accelerationism.


	7. Job 38:3

timeausTestified began pestering gutsyGumshoe 

TT: You ever get watch Sargon of Akkad? I watch Sargon of Akkad. 

TT: Granted if we are going to go into the right-wing youtube personalities I am drawn to I should probably go with the Golden One, given my penchant for muscley himbos. 

TT: Actually fuck it, I’m rephrasing this. Have you ever watched the Golden One? 

TT: I’m not saying you should, being a member of the Libertarian Party is a mistake to begin with on your part. But it wouldn’t look good in the elections if you were following an actual white supremacist. 

TT: But if you want to prove our erstwhile high school clique true and that you are in fact a fascist, watch the Golden One. 

TT: But at the risk of going into another rant, the Golden One is hot and I have watched too much of his videos. 

GG: Dirk are you alright? 

GG: We don’t speak for a week, you arrive mysteriously at Roxy’s coming out party, say a few words and then disappear only to show up sleeping with my cousin. 

GG: Which I have mixed feelings about but let’s not get distracted. 

GG: And now you are suggesting alt-right spokespersons at 4 in the morning? 

GG: As your friend, I have to ask is everything all right? 

TT: That’s a hard question Jane? 

TT: What would you consider my political position? 

GG: umm...what do you mean? 

TT: What would you consider my political beliefs? What drives me as a member of the polis? 

GG: That is a hard question Dirk. 

GG: I have always seen you as a pretty reasonable individual, politically speaking. 

GG: You aren’t as...extreme as some other people I don’t care to mention. 

GG: I think you try to take all sides into account and that is admirable. 

TT: But that’s not exactly a political position, is it? 

TT: Like, what drives me, what are my ideals? 

GG: Do you want an honest answer? 

TT: Yes. 

TT: You are the only person I can trust with an honest answer. 

GG: Hoo Hoo Hoo 

GG: Quite the responsibility :B 

GG: Let me see. Give it a good old think. 

GG: Well if it’s any consolation, it surprised me that you watched the Golden One. 

TT: You know about him? 

GG: I may have watched one of those videos Dave links on his twitter. 

TT: Contrapoints? 

GG: Yes, I believe that’s the one. 

GG: The trans woman Dave likes. 

TT: Actually that may be up for debate. 

TT: My spy network tells me that Contrapoints may soon be joining us in the land of the Problematic. 

GG: See this what I’m talking about with Dave’s whole… 

GG: I mean, I don’t mean to speak ill of your brother. 

TT: No it’s fine, I agree with you here. 

TT: The left is too concerned with purity. It’s a fault I had to overcome in myself and I can’t imagine the damage someone would do if we were to institute a level of ideological puritanism upon our society. 

GG: Well alright, fair. 

GG: I would say that you have much more maturity in these matters then your brother. 

GG: Did you know that he called me a capitalist like it was a bad thing? 

GG: Can you honestly believe that? 

TT: Yes and Yes. 

GG: So is this what is bothering you? You're deteriorating relationship with Dave? 

GG: Because I must be honest with you Dirk, I thought we were past this? 

GG: Is this some sort of densely coded Strider call for help? 

GG: Do I need to break out my old sleuthing kit and solve another mystery? :B 

TT: No, I’m just ten steps ahead of you in this philosophical dialogue. 

TT: Rose and I stopped talking. 

GG: Oh. 

GG: Why? 

TT: I don’t know, something she thought she saw during one of our experiments in limit events. 

TT: My guess is she hit the limit and took it out on me. 

TT: Started talking a bunch of shit about Ialdabaoth and Jonah and...I don’t know, vore. 

GG: Vore?! 

TT: I could go into the implications, but let's not get bogged down. 

TT: Ever since she’s been treating me like I’m like Satan. 

TT: Actual Satan this time, and not just the metaphorical Satan that Dave and Roxy treat me as. 

GG: Well, I’m sorry you and your...half-sister? Cousin? 

GG: I’m sorry, I was never entirely clear what you and Rose’s actual relationship is. 

TT: It is needlessly complicated, I will admit.

GG: But in all honesty, I’m kind of thankful you won’t be engaging in those...limit experiences with her anymore. 

GG: Clearly she’s gone unhinged and needs medical attention. 

TT: Well, she did spend a couple days recovering in a psych ward. 

GG: See! 

GG: I’m sorry, I know you were close with her, but honestly I feel whatever you were doing out in the desert was dangerous to begin with. 

TT: I mean, that was the idea. 

GG: I’m just glad you won’t be doing this again. 

GG: You aren’t doing this again, are you Dirk? 

TT: No, not for awhile at least. 

TT: I’m...still wondering about the implications myself. 

GG: Alright fine. 

GG: Anyways, did we ever come to a conclusion on your politics? 

TT: I don’t think so. 

GG: Well. 

GG: I just don’t think it’s that important. 

GG: I mean, this may be a hard take coming from the future first Libertarian Governor of Nevada but...does politics really matter? 

TT: Jane 

TT: Jane what is your intentions with capitalism? 

GG: . . . 

GG: Are you . . . 

GG: Implying that I want to. . . 

GG: Date capitalism? 

TT: No I mean what are your goals in implementing and maintaining capitalism? 

GG: What everyone else’s goals with capitalism. 

GG: Make a lot of money and become a successful business person. 

GG: What else is there? 

TT: That’s what I like about you Jane. 

TT: You’re a simple gal. You don’t overcomplicate things like the rest of us. 

GG: Dirk, I feel like there is an aspect of this conversation that you aren’t letting me in on. 

GG: As your friend, I would appreciate a bit more of an equal playing field if we are to continue this dialogue. 

TT: What’s this Crocker? Asking for a safe space? 

GG: Hoo hoo hoo 

GG: You know what I mean. 

GG: This is usually where you skewer me intellectually with some new avenue of thought I had not previously considered. 

TT: What makes you say that? 

GG: Previous experience. 

TT: Well maybe I don’t have a game. 

TT: Maybe I’m just confused. 

TT: Maybe I’ve been running on fumes ever since I dropped out of college, and that while the whole thing with Rose kept my mind engaged for awhile, I am now living in the slowed down seconds before the crash-test dummy hits the wall. 

TT: Which is our society in a nut-shell isn’t it? 

TT: One thing the Left has on you Jane, is that our world really is ending. 

TT: Glaciers are melting, the West Coast is on fire. 

TT: And to top it all off, we’ve been trying to pretend that we don’t have a large population of god damn aliens living with us. 

GG: The troll problem is something the government is trying to deal with. 

TT: Not to be PC here, but maybe don’t call it the troll problem? 

TT: Just a suggestion, it’s making us look like specists here. 

GG: Weren’t you the one suggesting I watch the Golden One? 

TT: I suggested you watch his abs, not his politics. 

TT: But if I’m going to be perfectly honest, yes we have a troll problem. It’s just not the one you think. 

TT: I’ve seen your arguments, and while I agree with your economic positions, they are just the tip of the fucking iceberg. 

GG: What do you mean? 

TT: How long have you been involved with Gamzee Makara? 

GG: I beg your pardon? 

TT: Don’t be coy with me Crocker, I know you’ve been down with the clown. 

GG: Well . . . 

GG: I didn’t want to alert anyone, we are keeping it private at the moment. 

GG: Which begs the question, how did you find out? 

TT: I got my sources. 

TT: My next question of course is 

TT: HOW are you involved with Gamzee Makara? 

GG: It’s a causal relationship between consenting adults. 

TT: What quadrant Jane? 

GG: Well 

GG: I wouldn’t 

GG: black. 

TT: See here we go. 

TT: You are engaging with it on their terms. Already you are describing your relationship in explicitly alternian terms. 

TT: You have this with relationship, expressed on alien terms with an alien. 

TT: And this isn’t just you, it’s everyone else. 

TT: How long can we remain human. 

GG: Dirk 

GG: I’m actually kind of shocked. 

GG: To be perfectly blunt Dirk, I’m appalled and concerned. 

GG: Just because I like to have a bit of spicy interspecies hanky panky doesn't mean I’m not human. 

GG: Do Dave and Rose know you think this? 

TT: They made their choices. 

GG: Well I’m making mine. 

GG: I don’t know how you found out about me and Gamzee, but I am appalled that you would think less of me. 

TT: Isn’t that supposed to be the point? 

GG: What? 

TT: I mean, you’re fucking the weed clown. 

GG: I’ll have you know he has been sober for months! 

TT: Ok, but also he’s the weed clown. He will never not be the weed clown. 

TT: This isn’t me being quote unquote speciest, he is literally a clown who smoked troll clown weed every day of his life before fucking off to wherever it is you found him. 

GG: Dirk, I am surprised at you! 

GG: I am not one to pass judgement on someone based on their creed or colour 

GG: Or to cast stones against my fellow sentient being 

GG: Also, glass houses Mister Peyote. 

GG: This is just speciest and I will not be a part of it. 

TT: Jane, you’re as speciest as I am. 

TT: The difference is I know what I’m doing, I don’t hide it behind a shield of respectability. 

GG: Oh so now I am part of the problem? 

GG: Gosh darn it Strider. 

GG: I can’t do this tonight. 

[gustyGumshoe blocked timeusTestified] 

TT: Jane? 

TT: Jane are you there? 

Dirk sits on the stoop of his building overlooking a parking lot. He stares at his pesterlog, his mind a dash of confusion. He closes his eyes and tries to think about what just happened.

Dirk: She blocked me. 

There were a lot of people Dirk would expect to block him. There were a fair number of people who had, in fact, already blocked him. Roxy, Jake (probably), Rose most recently. But Jane was not one of the people who he thought would block him. He felt, for all the personal drama that had characterized their early friendship, that he could always rely on Jane.

But now. . . 

Dirk: Christ. 

Dirk put his head in his hands. What was he going to do to get out of this. Rose was clearly insane, right? She couldn’t just get away with this? She couldn’t be serious about what she saw. It was a drug hallucination, it meant nothing. What they saw in that desert was absolutely meaningless and had no bearing on their reality in any way that actually mattered.

Dirk: Fuck. 

In the back of his mind, Dirk remembered an anecdote that Rose Lalonde had given him about some Rabbis entering paradise. He couldn’t quite remember the details. Let me see, there were four of them. One of them ignored the revelation as irrelevant, the second became obsessed, the third went mad, and the fourth became enlightened. Was that it? Which ones were he and Rose. Surelly, Rose was the mad one. And Dirk didn’t necessarily believe in the concept of enlightenment, not in any spiritual sense. So which one was he, ignoring it, or obsessed with it.

Dirk: Alright, fuck this shit. 

Or was he the one who went insane. 

Dirk: No, you listen now. I have had enough of this shit. 

Dirk: Who the fuck are you? 

Dirk had stopped what he was doing and started staring up at the sky, his voice loud and clear, like someone challenging God. I am pretty sure that this is the sort of thing he wouldn’t consider worth his trouble. Like seriously, Dirk. What kind of 19th century Russian novelist bullshit is this?

Dirk: No, you listen to me you fucking voice. 

Dirk: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing to my life? 

Ok so are we doing this?

Dirk: Yeah, we are doing this. 

Goddamn it Dirk. This is just classic you, you know that right?

Dirk: And who are you to say that? 

I feel there is something I could say here to be suitably mystic and shit. But you got me. So congratulations Dirk, you made this another postmodern metanarrative about how everything revolves around you. Or should I say how you make everything revolve around you. Are you proud of yourself Dirk? I had plans for this that didn’t even involve you. This was not supposed to get into your bullshit Dirk.

Dirk: Who the fuck are you, anyways? What do you want from me? 

Well that’s a good question, isn’t it Dirk? I could say I’m here to give you a taste of your own medicine, but you aren’t really taking that seriously are you? It’s probably even arguable if you are, in fact, the canon Dirk Strider. Whatever that means in this post-toblerone age. Tell me Dirk, why are you afraid of trolls?

Dirk: I”m not afraid of trolls. I grew up with trolls. 

Dirk, we know the drill here. I’m an omniscient third-person narrator. There is a bunch of people here who just read you going into how you are all for the segregation of humans and trolls.

Dirk: Ok, that is a false dichotomy. Human on human racism is not the same thing as the existential risk posed by aliens. 

As I am writing this, my moirail is looking over my shoulder and calling you a little bastard. But honestly, that’s not where I want to go with this.

Dirk: Oh, moirail. Well, looks like I am getting a fair shake in this debate. 

Bitch you have no comprehension of how unfair this debate is. As I was saying though….aww fuck, where was I? Oh shit, I lost my train of thought. God-damn stream of consciousness writing binges. 

Dirk: No, no, please take your time. I’ve got all day. 

Dirk takes out a cigarette and lights it, still looking up at the night sky as if that is where his sudden opponent resides. He takes a smoke out of it and looks as antagonistic as someone wearing sunglasses at night can possibly look. Which is not much given that his vision is probably shit right now. He reaches his middle finger into the night sky oh hey I see what you’re doing there. Funny.

Dirk: You got something to bring me intellectually or are you just wasting your time? 

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Anyways, we were going to examine why you are afraid of trolls. Which also goes into your limit experience obsession. Would you not say that fucking an extraterrestrial, dare I even say, loving an extraterrestrial, is an even greater limit experience then peyote?

Dirk: What do you mean? 

I mean that love is the ultimate limit experience bro. That to love is to freely give of yourself to another being. While I’m not knocking your use of psychedelic, indeed I am probably the main reason you have even touched entheogens in the first place, is not loving another person an even greater risk? And isn’t loving a troll an even greater one, a potentially more rewarding one? What if the combination of human and troll is in fact not an extinction crisis, but a chance for both to grow and evolve together?

Dirk: What kind of hippie goddamn bullshit is this? 

Or are you just afraid of what you have to give up?

Why are you sleeping with John Egbert?

Dirk: Because he’s cute, I don’t know? You tell me why I’m dating him? 

Now you know I can’t do that Dirk. Show don’t tell. It’s the first rule they tell you in writing class. And despite what Rose may or may not imply, this isn’t an H.P. Lovecraft story. 

Dirk: Then what story is this? Huh, tell me, what story is this? 

Well Dirk. That’s a hard question. Astute as ever.

This story is . . . 

Vriska: Have you ever read Nevada by Imogen 8innie? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Gird up your loins like a man, I will question you, and you shall declare to me." - Job 38:3
> 
> So yeah, back at it again with this fic. Hopefully my update schedule will improve. Also it became a whole Dirk metanarrative. Again. God I hate this fucker so much.


End file.
